Friday, November 19, 2010

What we do have...

Laparascopy here we come! We had our "what is the next step" appointment with our doctor yesterday. He kept trying to explain IVF and laparascopy to us and I finally said to him "We are very well aware of what our options are and know quite a bit about both of those choices." He said "You want me to decide for you don't you?" We both told him that him choosing for us would just make our lives a whole lot easier. He did tell us he thinks the best choice would be to have the surgery. Not my favorite idea but hopefully it will give us some answers and if it doesn't it will at least give us the peace of mind to move forward (with IVF.) Throughout this whole journey my goal is to just be mentally ready for each step. That involves me eliminating all of my options before I pursue new things. Now, I know everyone does it differently but that is just the way it has worked for me. I am very nervous about the procedure but am hopeful with what may come of it. I broke down in the car right after the appointment with my husband and just said "I need this to just be easier." We are going to just continue to live out the answer.

My goal for the upcoming holiday season: focus on what we do have instead of what we don't have.
I must start remembering that we are so blessed in our lives. I must pull myself out of this black hole I have been in. I must pull myself up by my boot straps and just keep on keepin' on. Will surgery probably suck? Yup. Will I have to take off work? Yup. Will we be one step closer to pregnancy? Yup.
We do have good doctors, we do have each other, we do have support, we do have our faith, and we do have a roof over our heads, food to eat, dogs to spoil us, cars to drive, warm clothes to wear, and love to give.
I am going to focus on spreading some more of that love this holiday season.
As Love Actually, one of my favorite movies says "Love is all around." Sometimes we just need to open our eyes to remember where to find it and remember what we do have in our lives.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Martini Mourning

Well, I was able to have a martini tonight with my dinner. That is only because IUI #5 failed. Mission not accomplished.

I am mad. I am disappointed. I am losing hope that this will ever happen. I have tried to be a positive person throughout all of this but now I am just feeling like the statue (not that I want to be the pigeon.) I think it is totally unfair that any couple should have to endure this much. Has it made us stronger because of it? Yes, but enough is enough. We want to be parents so much and it just doesn't make any sense. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but I am running out of patience with the time it is taking for this "everything" to happen.

This IUI was our last one. Our checklist doesn't have very much left on it. We are going to meet with our RE next week to discuss what to do next. We are not sure if he is going to tell us I need to have a laparoscopy or if we just move right into IVF. Honestly, both scare the shit out of me. Ultimately, good things could come out of them but never thought I would be here. I totally understand though why we have had to go through 2 years and 4 months of trying and meds and was just preparing us and making us stronger for the more difficult steps we must now take.

I am feeling I have been a horrible blogger lately. I have been feeling quite depressed for some time now. I have been trying to keep up with commenting. It seems as though a ton of my blogger friends are now pregnant. This makes it difficult because I can't relate but gives me hope for the future. I really need support right now.

I just want to scream and break down but I know that won't do me any good. For now I will tell myself what I tell many others with my sarcasm "Suck it up Sally!" As I have said before, I can and will do this. One day at a time.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

One Last Time

Here we the beginning stages of our last IUI. IUI #5.

I start my injectables tomorrow (Sunday) I am trying not to be sad. I am trying not to be bitter.

Only positive thoughts right now. We really want and need this to be all that we are hoping for. My husband and I debated for a long time whether or not to skip the 5th IUI and move forward with IVF. After many discussions, I realized it is important to me to try IUI one more time. It is kind of like checking something off of my list of things we need to do before IVF. I just would always wonder if it would have worked. So why not just try it. The good thing is that we switched to my insurance which actually covers a lot of inferility treatments and medicine! Woo hoo! Thank goodness for insurance companies that have their shit together! No more paying everything out of pocket. This is going to be a long month of waiting, waiting, and waiting. I try to keep telling myself that we can do this, we will do this, and it will be worth it. The emotional stress is sometimes just a little too much. I am so excited about the possibilities!

Breathe in, breathe out, it will all work out. (right?)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What I Know for Sure (Maybe Oprah will put this in her next month's column!)

I have not been writing lately mainly because I don't have much to write about and the beginning of this school year has been taking over my life! I love teaching but holy cow this year has been overwhelming so far. I apologize for not being the best blogger friend lately. I hope you know that I am trying to get on here and check up on all of you when I can - just because I don't comment it doesn't mean I don't care - I do care and I am thinking of you all. For some reason, tonight I feel like writing. Warning - nothing exciting here!

My husband and I have kind of been at a stand still for a few months now. We went so hard at baby making this summer with IUI #3 & IUI #4 and now we just are kind of sitting with our thumbs up our asses. We tried the good ol' fashioned way last month and we are again this month. It has been even harder to try naturally than ever before. It seems pointless. We know it doesn't work. We know my eggs are really stubborn and for some reason are afraid to show their faces. We know that without fertility meds or treatments our chances of success are slim to none. We know that it is not sexy or fun or romantic to have sex for that purpose anymore. I am just so done with all of this. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and forget that any of this has ever happened. How in the world did we get past two years of trying? Right around the corner will be two and a half years of trying. Right after that will be three years. For the time being, I just want to be able to take a deep breath. I am thinking I won't be able to do that until we are pregnant.

So where do we go from here? Well, after this cycle we are going to do IUI #5. What???!!! (this may be your reaction since I posted a while back that I thought this was silly and we might be moving on to IVF.) I think for myself, I need to exhaust all of our options before we leap into IVF. All along with our new doctor we had in our "plan" to do a fifth IUI. I am not sure how hopeful I am that it will work, but I do know that if it doesn't work I will be more mentally ready for IVF. It's kind of like checking this off a list. I don't want to have unchecked boxes before moving on to bigger treatements. Right now we are kind of just waiting for this cycle to be over so we can start the process for our final IUI.

We may know that trying naturally doesn't work for us, but miracles happen. We may know that my eggs are really stubborn, but we know the egg that is meant to release will do so when it is time. We are really banking on this 5th IUI because we really don't want to get to the point of IVF, but we know God has a plan. I know that it is completely unfair that women have to struggle so much to have children but we are better women because of it. I know that some days I feel infertility is winning but I will not throw in the towel. We know that we are meant to be parents. We know that we will be damn good parents. We know that we are loved, supported, and have cheerleaders on our sideline. We know that love bears all things. We know our turn will be soon.

I know for sure that I am strong enough.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Happiness Today, Hope for Tomorrow

Thank you to Kelly at Little Looman Log for nominating me for the Happiness Today, Hope For Tomorrow award this week. I feel so blessed to have been thought of! I think the title is pretty self explanatory, so here it goes....

This list could get long but I will limit it to a few things...
I am happy that my husband and I are still madly in love. I think a lot of times infertility can really be a barrier in a marriage, but we have kept the lines of communication wide open and will not let this beat us. I am happy that I can still just sit in the room and know that my life with my husband is good enough....we are just ready to start a family and a new part of our journey together. My happiness comes from a deep place of trust with my hubby. I know that we will not fall through the cracks. I know that he will be with me no matter what infertility brings us or even if in one of my "moments" I throw a plastic bowl across the room and it breaks our tv. (oops!) I know that however we make a baby it will be out of the deepest LOVE for each other. It may take meds and procedures to get us there, but the MAIN ingredient is love. I am happy that I believe in our love.

I am also happy that I have a job again. This past year I was laid off from my teaching job due to budget cuts in the district I work in. I was called back this year and feel so thankful to have a new batch of kids. My heart is happy when I know I make a difference in the life of a child.

My hope for tomorrow and beyond is that I can be a mother. I am hopeful that i can accept any way that may come. I am hopeful that soon I will be pregnant and my husband and I can begin to dream about the future in more realistic terms. Right now, our dreams seem to be more of a fantasy...reality needs to set in sometime soon. I am hopeful that I can inspire people to just keep going. To dig deep in the mud and keep trucking along. My husband and I could have thrown in the towel a long time ago because infertility is really stinking hard...but as my wise husband once told me, God wouldn't have given us emotions if He didn't want us to feel things. My hope is that i can take those emotions and do something good with them. Some days I might be so angry and upset that I might just throw a bowl across the room, but other days I hope that I can inspire and encourage other women to believe in themselves and in the strength that they never knew they had.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Calling all Iffers - I need MAJOR ADVICE!

Anyone and EVERYONE is welcome to comment on this post however you feel fit. I will not be offended by anyone's brutal honesty, I will actually be thankful. This may make more sense if I explain what I need advice on...

As all of you know, hubby and my next step is IVF. Yes, it is hard to believe we are at that point but here we are. I guess I am having two major concerns with IVF.

1. I was raised Catholic and still have Catholic beliefs. I am trying to find out how to balance my religion with IVF. I am trying to figure out how so many Catholics are not fans of the science behind infertility treatments and how I am supposed to work around that. I personally believe that if God does not feel IVF is supposed to be a part of my journey then I will not get pregnant. I feel that God brought us to this point and I want to believe that the reason it hasn't happenend naturally yet is because my hubby and I have learned so many valuable lessons and our baby is just not ready to make it to us yet. I want to believe that God trusts in our decisions and brought us to these fabulous doctors who are able to help us get pregnant. I think Catholics who turn up their noses to treatments have either never been through it themselves or don't know anyone who has ever been through it. So I guess I am just wondering how some of you balance this in your lives.

2. I AM A SCAREDY CAT!!!! Some days I can put on my game face and confront anything that comes my way but IVF just seems so intimidating to me. To anyone who has been through this or who hasn't and would like to share some thoughts: What are the ins and outs of IVF? I feel we have done a lot of research about it but am still worried about all that it requires. I guess I am just wondering if the meds are that different from injectable IUI cycles, what is the embryo retrieval like? What is the embryo transfer like? Do you have to be put under for the retrieval? How many days should I expect to take off of work? Am I going to become a crazy person from all of the meds? (I am sure my students won't appreciate that!) WILL I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY? I am feeling ready to take this on because we are just so incredibly ready to be parents and bring a new baby into this world. I guess I just am a scaredy cat of the unknown. It is hard to go through something this major for the first time and not have too much first hand knowledge from people who have already been through it. Sure, I can talk to all of the doctors and nurses at my clinic but they haven't been through it first hand. We have been trying for over 2 years now but I am still only 27 years old...I am worried about putting this off any longer. It is our time. It is our turn. I just need some help thinking through it.

Any advice is can even just tell me to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and tighten my seatbelt for the ride!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fix You

I don't have much to write about lately regarding our status but I just wanted to share a song today that has lifted me up many times. I know every song may have different meanings to different people. This one just happens to speak to me regarding infertility.

Click on the title if you want to watch the video. :)

Fix You (Coldplay)

Songwriters: Berryman, Guy; Buckland, Jon; Champion, Will; Martin, Chris;

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Friday, August 20, 2010

Naturally Failing

This is a weird cycle. This has been a weird few weeks. I am feeling lost without a cycle of meds and IUI's. I am feeling lost in the fact that we are not dealing with a doctor this round. I am not sure the next time we will interact with a doctor. When will we be ready to move forward?

According to my calculations, I should be ovulating this weekend. "Should be" means that if my body is working properly, which according to doctors is about 3 months out of the year, I should be ovulating. Will we baby dance? Yes. Will I get my hopes up once again even though this cycle seems like we are back where we were two years ago? Yes. Will I misread period symptoms for pregnancy symptoms? Yes.

We are trying "naturally" this cycle. We are trying to get pregnant the good ol' fashioned way again this cycle. We are hoping for a miracle this time. We may be hoping for a miracle for a while. I am not feeling ready yet for IVF. I have to get my body and mind more prepared before we take that huge leap.

Love will get us through, but a miracle would help.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Babies for Everyone & Crazy Dating

My husband and I went to Meijer the other night just to pick up a few things. While we were checking out I happened to check out all of the latest headlines on all of the "grab at the last minute" magazines. The one headline and front cover photo that happened to stick out to me the most was about the Duggar Family. It was a photo of the mom and dad and their new baby. The headline said something along the lines of how they are ready for another baby.


Now, I may not be the best person at math but if my calculations are correct they would have 2o children if they decided to have another one. This just blows my mind. I have seen that show and see how the older girls pretty much have to play mom with all of the younger kids. They must have like a baby making factory in their garage or something. Maybe I will write to them and ask for tips!

I personally don't agree with having that many children because they just use their older kids to take care of the little ones. If you can't be parents 24/7 to ALL of your kids then maybe you had too many. I just don't get it. How can someone be blessed with 19 children when all of us infertiles are struggling just to have one?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On a funnier note...have any of you seen the t.v. show Dating in the Dark? Oh my gosh, hilarious. If you haven't seen it, the title pretty much sums it up....there are 3 girls and 3 guys that literally go into a room that is so dark they can't see their hand in front of them and go on dates. The point of the show is to figure out if love is blind. The thing that is interesting is that they get to choose to see one person for like 5 seconds. They then make their decision on whether or not to ask this person on a real life date and invite them to the porch. Some people get left on the porch alone and no one shows up. Other people have their chosen "mate" that then meets them at the porch. This really is the only part of the show that really bothers me because I guess I would just hate to be left on that porch! Yes, the show is shallow and silly, but it just reminds me of how truly blessed I am to have my husband. I didn't have to pay money or go on a television show to find him. I feel sorry for these people that do have to do it that way.

We may have to pay money to buy the meds and services of docs in order to get help making a baby but at least we have a bond that can't be broken. In my opinion, love conquers all. We at least have that going for us.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

At a Stand Still

So I had a minor freak out last night because I started bleeding really heavily again. My period started on Tuesday morning and ended very abruptly on Thursday evening. Friday I had nothing. Saturday I pretty much had nothing except a little spotting in the evening. Then, I went to the bathroom around 7:30 and holy cow I felt like I should have grabbed a bucket! (sorry, TMI) Of course we weren't home but were at my husband's parents' house. I called hubby to the bathroom and explained the situation. I then called my mom. I then talked to his mom. I feel bad I scared both of them with my hysterical behavior because I was worried that maybe I was pregnant and something was wrong with the baby. We all decided it would be best to just call the emergency number of my fertility clinic. The nurse helped me calm down and told me to take a pregnancy test right away and call the doc. on Monday if it is positive. She also said it could just be a weird period thing due to all of the crazy meds that have been in my body. She then said it could be a chemical pregnancy but she didn't think that was the case. I was freaking out. Long story short (well, I guess it is already too long!) the HPT came back negative. Why did I let myself get my hopes up again thinking that it really could have been positive? Silly me.

All is fine today. Just some end of period spotting. I did have cramps in the middle of the night that woke me up a few times. I guess my body is just punishing me for putting so many medicines inside of it.

I don't really like where hubby and I are right now. We have chosen to not go ahead with a 5th IUI. We just don't see the point, plus with paying out of pocket we really just can't manage it right now. IVF is the next step for us. I have been in denial of that for a while now. I can't really even express how I feel about IVF yet. I just know that I am not ready. We are not sure of our timeline for that yet. My body feels beat down. My mental state feels too tender right now to take something that big on. My positive attitude went on vacation. I think I have a lot of work to do to get myself healhty before we really go full force into IVF.

For now, we are just going to try naturally for a while. Possibly a long while. I feel like we have made no progress and now here we are back to where we started two years ago. I am not a fan of not pushing this forward but this just seems like the most practical decision. I am not a fan of the stress this puts on my husband and I. I am not a fan of infertility.

Does anybody have suggestions for what else I should be doing to prep my body for this? Acupuncture? Massages? Lose weight? Counselor? Etc.? What has worked/helped all of you?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A "School Mom" For Now

The beginning of the school year is almost here! As a teacher, I always get excited about this time of year. I must say as a kid, that was not always the case! The new school year brings on new joys, new challenges, and my most favorite thing: A brand new bunch of SMILING KIDS!!! (Well, I hope they will be smiling!)

I am so ready to have more structure in my life. In earlier posts, I have mentioned this summer being harder than most due to the fact that baby making weighs so heavily on my mind. When I am in my classroom and with my students it is like therapy for me. They (the students) are a great distraction. They are great reminders of the simple beauties in the world...I see it in their faces every single day. I can't wait to greet my fresh batch of 2nd graders at the door on the first day of school, which is September 7. I can't wait to have our first classroom meeting and get to know each and every one of my students. I can't wait for one of my students to call me "mom" on accident because it just reminds me of how much they depend on me. It motivates me to put aside my thoughts and worries about infertility while at school because these tender kids need to have my undivided attention.

My husband (who is also a teacher) and I both thought we would be pregnant going into this new school year. Somehow, we will find the balance between trying to get pregnant and work. We did it all of last school year and we will do it again. We are just further into the game now. We can do this. Bring on the kids! :)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

You Have Got to be Kidding Me

How in the world am I starting my period tonight? It is only CD 23...way too early for a period (although I had my IUI on CD 10 so they really put my whole cycle in a funk) I couldn't be more pissed right now. I just want to scream or throw something across the room. The remote control looks tempting. How in the world am I not pregnant?

I am just so confused on what to do next. Every time a cycle fails I try to just start planning for the next one but I am feeling so tired and emotionally drained I can't muster up the energy to even think about it (even though I will.) My hubby and I have talked about not doing a 5th IUI and possibly moving onto IVF (that thought just sucks) We don't see the point in yet another IUI - is there something I am missing here? Should we be doing another IUI? There aren't many things in life that I would fail at 4 times and try a 5th....seems like the obvious choice is to try a new direction. I am just absolutely terrified of IVF. Am I really here already? Can we afford this? How many cycles of IVF will we have to do? Is there that much to be terrified of or am I letting my mind get the best of me again? I am just wondering how much time is good enough from right now until a possible IVF cycle. How much time do I need to heal emotionally and physically. Right now, I am so tired, exhausted, drained, and feel I want to sleep but I am wide awake. My body doesn't feel ready to take on any more medicine right now and my mind doesn't feel ready for that big of a failure if IVF didn't work the first time. We thought IUI would work the first time...boy were we wrong.

I have tried so damn hard to stay positive throughout all of this, especially this summer. That positivity just ran right out the door. Tonight, I just need to vent because I am so disappointed...this was supposed to work. This was supposed to be our cycle. You have got to be kidding me.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Twiddling My Thumbs

A quick update: STILL in the two week wait. It seems like this is taking forever! (I don't know why I ever expect it to go quickly!) The weird part is that my husband and I both have the summer off since we are teachers so it seems as though the time is going even slower. I don't have work/my students to occupy my time and distract me so I am left at home for the most part just wondering if I am pregnant or not! It really isn't as bad as I am making it sound and trust me I do really appreciate my summers off...I am just ready for the end of this week in order to test.

I have had some different things going on with my body (which I will not be sharing because it just makes it too real to put it out there) I have a lot of hope that this is the cycle. It could very well be. It could also very well not be. It seems like forever ago that I had IUI#4 but it hasn't even been two weeks yet. I can do this....patience, Sara, patience.

I had a nice surprise in the mail yesterday. My sister sent me a card just telling me that she is thinking of me. It was such a thoughtful thing of her to do. I finally shared our IF secret with her when we were on our vacation up north Michigan. It just got to hard to carry my medicine around and not drink without feeling like I was continuously making up lies. After a while that starts to feel really crummy. So it felt good to tell her about it. She has been the only person we have told so far to do such a nice gesture of just sending a card. She gets an award in my book! :)

I feel I have been a neglectful blogger lately. I am just trying to keep my head above water right now trying not to overwhelm myself with thinking about all of this. Sometimes that means I have to step away from blogging for few days. That doesn't mean I don't care/think about all of you a lot!

Well, I am off to watch some Sunday Night Football! It is just a preseason game (or whatever you would call it) but I am still excited for some football! Let the season begin!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Goods Have Been Delivered

Sometimes I feel like I am in the movie Groundhog you ever feel like all of your cylces just blur together sometimes? I feel like I just posted something like this one a few weeks ago!

Just a quick update -
The IUI yesterday went very well. I was nervous going into it because we had been told by the office that it would be one of the clinical nurses performing the procedure. For some reason, I just felt uncomfortable with a complete stranger doing something very personal for us. To my surprise, the nurse that walked in was the nurse we have been working with at the new doctor's office every time we have appointments who does all of my ultrasounds and planning for us. We see her more than we do the actual doctors. Seeing her made me take a deep breath and relax. It was funny having a woman perform the procedure because she kept asking about my comfort level and if there was any pain, etc. I thanked her for caring so much and joked that the male doctors who have done this in the past just jam things up in my unmentionable areas and aren't concerned with comfort! We had a good laugh.

Some great things about this cycle - I had two promising follicles, my hubbies sperm count was double what it was last IUI, and my lining was double the thickness of last time. Let's just hope I ovulate!

Time will tell if this is THE cycle for us. Now the hard part is finding distractions for the next two weeks! :) I will try not to read to far into any "feelings" I have with my body!

Monday, July 26, 2010

IUI #4 - She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain When She Comes!

So today was my follicle scan for my 4th IUI cycle. I had two good looking follicles on my right side (my left side is still a huge slacker!) My last shot for this cycle was tonight, which was the trigger shot. Our IUI is set for Wednesday morning.

I must say I am just filled with excitement. It is really nice that no matter how many times we are shot down month after month, I can still feel really hopeful. My husband and I were talking today about how it sometimes does not seem possible that we will ever get that positive HPT but how it will just be so awesome when we do!

We spent this weekend up north in Michigan with my family. It was so nice to get out of town again. Friday night we decided to play disc golf on the mountain of the ski resort we were at. The time I had to give myself one of my Follistim shots was while we were on the course. I packed up my meds in a cooler and brought them with me on the mountain. About the 9th hole (which was the highest point on the course), my husband and I got out the goods and I gave myself the shot. I have to say that is a first! A shot in my stomach on the top of a mountain! It certainly made us giggle because infertility has made us do some crazy things. At least we do them together! :)

Yesterday we went down to the lake by the place we were staying. I walked in the water for quite a while and just soaked in the beauty of the place. Up north Michigan is my favorite place to be besides home. It is really peaceful and as I looked around the lake/mountain it reminds me of how beautiful life is...sometimes I just forget to look.

My question for all of you is: What are some of the craziest things infertility has found you doing? Just curious! :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Moving Forward and Not Looking Back

Last night my least favorite Aunt Flo came into town. IUI #3 failed. We are now going to go past the feared 2 year mark. I had felt back cramps all day and kind of knew it was coming...but holy cow did she come with a force. She obviously wanted me to be well aware of her presence. Thank goodness for some Tylenol to get me through the night.

I am not sure how much I will post in these next few weeks. I think I need to focus on being more positive and getting my attitude back together. I have spent too much time lately feeling sorry for myself. I have spent too much time lately angry that I have had to endure so much to not even be pregnant yet. I have spent too much time lately just not enjoying life.

It is time for me to have an attitude check. Do I want to go to my screening ultrasound tomorrow to see if I have any cysts? No, but I will. Do I want to start yet another round of medicine on Wednesday that is a higher dose than ever before? No, but I will. Do I want to come back early from our weekend up north this weekend to have my follie scan? No, but I will. Do I want to spend yet another $1200 on an IUI cycle? No, but I will.

Do I want to be pregnant? Yes. Do I want to do everything I can to get us there faster? Yes. Does it mean I have to suck it up and just jump into this next cycle right away without feeling like I have taken a deep breath in a long time? Yes.

The bottom line matter how hard this keeps getting...I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I will not stop until we reach our goal (and then it is a whole new ballgame after that!)

I just need to keep my chin up, smile, love life, be normal (whatever normal is) and get on with it. Is it perfect? No. Is it what I need to do? Yes.

No more feeling sorry for myself. This is my life. This is my journey. I have had the strength to get me to this point and know I will have the strength to get me to/through the next point. God knows what we can handle. I am done trying to control what is way beyond my control in the first place.

Let the sun shine in. Let the darkness fade away.


Saturday, July 17, 2010


Well, my husband and I are back from vacation! It was a fun trip but we are definitely glad to be home. Home is predictable, comfortable, and is what I need right now.

It blew my mind on our vacation how much I could not get away from infertility. Apparently, it follows me everywhere (I am sure many of you can relate to this.) I found myself just in a daze many times thinking about if I am pregnant or not and what will I do if I am and what will I do if I'm not. I wrote a post a while back about being preoccupied in my thoughts. That just about sums up the trip for me. Although I did have a ton of fun, I never felt like my whole self was ever really there. My body may have been on vacation but my mind was not. Some days I just wish I could let go of worrying about everything related to infertility (which is a lot to ask of myself.)

I can take a pregnancy test on Tuesday...not sure if I want to take a test or just wait for a missed period. There have been many moments these past few days that make me think I am pregnant. My boobs are way swollen and feel like I just lost a WWF match where someone just continuously punched me in that area...although sometimes they hurt when Aunt Flo is coming. I kind of just feel "off" and am really tired and out of it...but this could just be stress. I have been feeling minor aches and pains in my lower back and abdomen...once again it could be signs that my period is coming. For now, we just continue to wait. I am so excited and fearful to take that test. This has to be it. (I have said that way too many times before!)

I am doing my best catching up with reading/commenting with everyone's blogs. It kind of was nice to be away from a computer for so facebook, no e-mail, no blogging. I felt kind of free! But it is nice to be back at it! :)

In the meantime, I will be unpacking, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house. Back to reality! :)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Vacation Here We Come!

My husband and I leave tomorrow morning for a 1 week vacation with his parents and brother/brother's fiance. It is a much needed vacation. :)

I am so sorry that I won't be here to support all of you for a week but just know that I will be thinking of all of my IF friends and you will be in my prayers. I will catch up with everyone's blogs/lives when I get back next Friday. :)

At least this trip will help one week of the 2ww go quickly (or so I hope!) We will only have a few more days after we get back from the trip to wait until we can test. There are a few things that the doctor told me I couldn't participate in on the trip due to my stimulated ovaries/the chance that I could be pregnant (fingers crossed.) So, I will be at the cabin by myself a lot, which is okay because I am planning on reading (which is one of my favorite things to do in the summer.) I am bummed the cabin does not have internet to the wilderness I go!

Wishing all of you a wonderful week full of laughter, optimism, rain for your flowers, and sunshine for your soul. See you in a week! :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fly Away Time

First of all, I just have to say thank you to all of you who have been supporting me. I am overwhelmed by the positive comments and support. I really do feel as though all of us Iffers are a community that I am slowly working my way into. I am feeling the love! :)

A short quiz today:

Question #1 -
What do all of these things have in common?
- the weekends
- watching a great movie
- cheering on my favorite team during the last few minutes of a championship game
- taking walks with my dogs
- reading a good book
- vacations
- eating an ice cream cone
- the lunch hour

Answer: You guessed it....they are all circumstances where TIME FLIES!

Question #2 -
What do these things have in common?
- the two week wait
- every day with IF

Answer: You got it right again...they are all things where time stands still.

Right now, I am only 4 days into the 2 week wait. Although it kind of is a 24 month wait. This cycle actually marks 2 years exactly since we first started trying to conceive. I have a huge fear of going past 2 years. It's like this milestone that just seemed impossible up to this point. It was off my radar for a very long time. These past few cycles have brought this new found fear out in me - what if this time it doesn't work and we go past two years? I keep trying to tell myself that we have been fighters up to this point in our journey and we will continue to do so. 2 years should not scare me...but that little devil sitting on my right shoulder keeps whispering doubts into my ear. I tried flicking him off but he won't go away.

I think for now I will just take this one day at a time. 2 weeks can't go by that slowly, can it? Who am I kidding! We all know it always does!

Just out of curiosity, what do all of you do to pass the time and make it go faster during your 2 week waits?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Love At First Sight :)

What a day! It started with a 5:00 alarm blaring in our resentful ears. I rolled out of bed, showered, dressed, prayed, and left the house about 6:00 to make our hour drive to our fertility center. My hubby's sperm washing appt. was at 7:15 this morning and our IUI was scheduled for 11 am. The city that we had to go to is the same city where we both went to college so we are very familiar with the area. Needless to say, we had a lot of time to waste in between the appointments. It sure was time well wasted...

First, we decided to get a nice breakfast at IHOP. I am only mentioning this because I had the best pancakes and waitress ever. The pancakes were lemon pancakes with fruit topping and whipped Rachel Ray would say: YUMMO! :) They seriously were freaking amazing...just what I needed to get me through the morning! Our waitress, Joan, was a doll. We were definitely meant to have her on this stressful morning. I even left her a note on a napkin thanking her for her positive attitude and helping make our Sunday morning delightful.

Next, we decided to drive around and visit all of our old college hot spots. We drove by all of the places each of us used to live and some places we used to hang out with our friends. I was so excited because we drove by the apartment complex we were both living in when we met. We were neighbors in this college apartment complex...of course, I started tearing up. You could say it was love at first sight. ;) It was extremely nice to talk about memories and visit places that used to be such a big part of our lives that are still such a big part of our hearts.

The 3 hours went by pretty fast and before we knew it we had to be back at the doctor's office for the procedure. It went pretty smoothly. I should say very smoothly. The doctor made conversation with both of us the entire time which made me very comfortable. I usually get very stressed during these appointments, but with this new doctor today I was as calm as can be. Once it was over, we made the hour drive home. It was pretty quiet...I think we both just had a lot on our minds! ;)

Overall, it was a terrific day. I really am feeling this is our cycle. I think my husband is worried that I am so confident but I told him I am a big girl and if I have to fall again this time I will work my way through it. I really just feel like a lot of things are different this time. The meds, the monitoring, the doctor, the timing of the trigger and ultrasound. I definitely ovulated this morning...I was having pretty sharp, consistent pains on my right side all morning. The timing was perfect.

I just hope it is love at first sight for one sperm and one egg today. I just hope that this "feeling" I have is not just positive thinking but reality. I just hope that everyone going through infertility can have a day like I had today. My husband and I are stronger because of today, more connected, more in tune with the depths of our souls.

I guess I just hope for a miracle. And so the two week wait begins....

Friday, July 2, 2010

Hoping for 4th of July Fireworks

This 4th of July is going to bring family gatherings, cookouts, time with friends, and my 3rd IUI.

I had my Day 10 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. Once again, my left folly is a piece of work. It took her about 4 minutes just to find the darn thing but once she did there were only a few small follicles..nothing to get excited about. Then, when she ventured with her magic wand over to the right side...BINGO...there it was...a beautiful 27mm follicle. I was bummed there was only one because the doc said with the new meds he was hoping for 2 or 3. But, I am thankful for one because some people don't even get that one chance. We'll take it.

So....our IUI#3 is scheduled for this Sunday, July 4th! Independence Day baby! :) My husband jokingly said on the way home that if we happened to get pregnant this round and it was a girl we would have to name her Liberty! :) I just have to poke my stomach one more time tonight to give myself the HCG trigger.

Our IUI is scheduled for 11am. We have to be there at 7:15 though for the sperm collection and washing. That means we will be leaving the house at 6:00am on Sunday morning to get the 4th of July party started! I am just hoping I don't fall asleep when the doctor is performing the procedure!

Well, I won't post again until later on Sunday because we will be with friends and family tonight and all day tomorrow for 4th get-to-gethers. It will be nice to have distractions. My hopes are way up as they always are at this point in my cycles. Hoping for some fireworks on Sunday!

I hope everyone has a great weekend full of sunshine and relaxation! :)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Who is This Person?

Do you ever feel like people are talking to you and you just nod your head and pretend you are listening? I used to consider myself a pretty good listener until my issues with IF. I used to consider myself a person who enjoys empathizing with other people when they are in need. I used to consider myself a person who cares about the small celebrations in other people's lives. I used to consider myself a person who likes to look at moms with their babies...I used to ooh and aah. Now, I find myself turning away from those situations.

Today, I just consider myself as a person who is preoccupied. Every thought and every moment is taken up by infertility. It is always in the front or back of my mind. Commercials, pregnant women, strollers, facebook pregnancy posts, more pregnant women....they are everywhere! I find it hard to not be preoccupied in my thoughts when every time I turn around there is something to remind me that I do not yet have a child. I realize that the time may not be right yet and it is not in my hands but does it have to be thrown in our faces every time we turn around? Can't pregnant women just poke their belly buttons that are poking out back in - I will do it for them if they don't mind. Can't the host at a restaurant ask "Would you like the pregnant section or non-pregnant section?"

Today, I consider myself a person that other people want to avoid. My genuine smile is gone. My natural energy is gone. My motivation to help other people feel happy is gone. Could it be the meds? I will try not to use that as an excuse.

Today, I consider myself a person that puts on a happy face when all I want to do is cry. I put on my big girl panties when all I want to do is not deal with it.

I don't know this person. This is all new to me. I hope I find the old Sara someday. I hope I find the girl that loves to listen, loves to watch kids play, loves to help make others happy, loves to smile, loves to sincerely care about others issues, loves to just enjoy life. I will find her, I know I will. It might just take some time to swim my way through this infertility fog.

Hopefully, I will find myself on the other side.

Friday's ultrasound can't come soon enough...I just hope the follies are behaving this round.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Belly Up to the Bar...

Usually I "Belly up to the bar" on a Friday or Saturday night filled with fun times with friends. I might ask for a beer or a shot of pineapple upside down cake or something fruity. Today, I bellied up to the bar that is loaded with shots of FSH. Today, was my first shot with the Follistim pen. Today, was the first time I had to give myself a shot right in the belly! I had to really suck up my fears today and just do it. We were out of town for a graduation party so I had to pack up the meds in a cooler and sneak off to the bathroom at the right time to give myself the shot. I was extremely nervous because it was my first time with this pen thing. I did all of the alcohol swabbing and then jabbed that sucker right into my stomach near my belly button. I DID IT!!! I think my husband was more proud of me than I was...he has had to give me all of my previous shots in the hip/rear. He might have been a little sad today that he didn't get to poke me with a needle!

I am filled with excitement because today starts the forward progress with this cycle. Now I just have to poke my stomach 4 more times this week and wait for my ovaries to get their acts together. My bloodwork and day 10 ultrasound are this Friday. After those results they will determine the day of IUI #3.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Special Delivery

Tomorrow for the first time I will be receiving my fertility meds through the mail (FedEx.) My new RE recommended mail ordering the meds through Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy because they are cheaper that way. From my calculations, we are saving about $100 ordering this way. We are thankful for that since we are paying for everything out of pocket. The magical juice is on it's way across the country right now. Let's hope the magic doesn't decide to make it all the way here.

I had my screening ultrasound yesterday on CD2. This is the first time I had an ultrasound at the new RE office. I was nervous just because out of all of the people I dealt with at the last office the ultrasound tech. was my favorite. I went into the appt. just thinking "I want Connie." I didn't want somebody new. I am so excited though because I am really pleased with the new tech. She made me feel comfortable right from the start, talked to me the entire time, and then sat down with me to talk about the results and the meds. She is a keeper. It is funny how hard it is to have someone else enter the circle of IF trust. She's in.

So today is CD3. This is probably my least favorite time of the cycle. Still on my period, haven't started meds yet...just waiting to begin the process. Thankfully, we have family in town so we have many distractions. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

P.S. Go U.S.A. soccer team tomorrow! :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Pros at failing

Well, my least favorite monthly gift came today. I am at cycle day 31 today so I was highly questioning if I was pregnant or not. My husband is out of town right now so I was waiting to POAS until he gets home. I guess I will not have to do that now since the good ol' period came tonight.

I am so mad at myself for thinking this could be the time (just like every other time.) We were trying naturally this month due to just needing a month off from meds/procedures. I didn't have much hope at the beginning of this cycle that we would get pregnant because my chances that I even ovulated are slim to none. But then....on Friday I started having dull cramps in my back and I told my husband I was about to start. He left for vacation on Saturday and I still hadn't started. Then Sunday came and went. Then Monday came and went...pregnant???? Most of Tuesday passed by and then WHAM! Hit me like a brick today.

I have to admit I handled it pretty well today. I didn't cry (partly because my sister is in from out of town staying with me while hubby is away.) I think I also didn't cry though because my body knows how to handle this now. We are pros at failing. It knows that it should be glad for a period because it means the next cycle can start. It knows that crying is not going to get me anywhere. It knows that failing a cycle doesn't mean we will fail completely.

I think I just need my husband to get home on Wednesday so I can stop putting on my tough face....maybe I just need to cry and have someone listen to me yell about how pissed off I am.

Another round failed. Another round beginning.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Humble reminder

I just read a post by Kelly from Little Looman Log ( She reminded me that even though I don't have a child yet, there are many things in my life that are great...

~ I have my faith. Even on the darkest days, I know I can turn to God and vent, cry, beg, plead, and say thanks and He will listen. Sometimes I do thank God for unanswered prayers. When we do have our child someday, I know it will all make sense.
~ I have a wonderful husband...he unconditionally loves me, listens when I need to vent and listens when I am laying on the couch not saying anything at all, and holds back his emotions to protect mine.
~ We both have jobs. I got laid off last August due to budget cuts in the school district I worked in. This past year I have been a long term substitute. Just last Wednesday, I got called back to my original district and know I have a job in the fall. Better yet, it is at the same school I worked at before being laid off so I will be with all of my teacher friends again.
~ We have a wonderful family. Even though we have only shared our IF journey with our parents recently, all the rest of our family members love us and support us without knowing it.
~ We have two beyond awesome dogs. I know they were sent to us to fill the void of not having children yet. They lick my face when tears are falling, they lay in my lap when I need a comforting snuggle, and they don't try to tell me that "It'll happen one day...just stop being stressed." They are just what I need on many days.
~ We have a house. I know many people are struggling to make ends meet to keep their house...we are fortunate to have ours.
~ We have friends that are great distractions from the IF life sometimes.
~ We have laughter, fear, happiness, frustrations, hope, etc. As my wise husband once told me when I was in a hysterical sob....Sara, God wouldn't have given us emotions if He didn't want us to feel anything. I have been "feeling" a lot lately, but am thankful for that.

The list could keep going. Tonight, I am just feeling thankful to Kelly for reminding me that there are a lot of things going right. I have a good life and will be patient while trying to make it better.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Circle of Trust Just Got Bigger

We have quite a small circle of people surrounding us in this journey. It has been our choice to keep our IF very private from family and friends. We feel it is safer that way. We feel it is easier that way (on some days.) Yesterday we had our first appointment with our new RE. After our appointment we decided he may DEFINITELY join our circle! We feel so confident with him just after an hour of talking to him.

We were so nervous going into this appointment. I didn't know what a new doctor would tell us after reviewing our history. The first thing he did after coming into the room was ask me to sit on the table to check my breathing/heart make a long history short - my heart skips beats when I am really nervous and I get palpitations - needless to say my heart was not being my friend sitting on that table. As his stethoscope was listening, I could feel my heart skipping about every 4 beats. I didn't know if I should interrupt him to tell him I am very aware that it is going on. I just sat there as still as I could so he could get a good listen. When he removed the stethoscope he said "What the hell was that?" Of course, my husband and I both started laughing and I explained the situation to him. He eased my nerves by saying that and let me know he is just a normal guy who just happens to know a lot about infertility. I was worried I would leave there and not feel satisfied. I was more than satisfied. Our new RE, whom I will call Dr. Jim, gave us a plan of attack. We now have an outline of what comes next if plans A, B, C, and D do not work. It is nice to know that I do not have to play the guessing game anymore. Dr. Jim was very confident in the fact that the problem is with ovulation.

This month we are doing just FSH shots - the purple pen I call it! If my follies look good we will be doing our 3rd IUI this round. Let's hope the #3 is the magic number!

I feel good. I feel satisfied. I feel hopeful. I feel we are stronger because we have a much stronger circle now that Dr. Jim is in it. He didn't give us false hope but did give us confidence in knowing we are in good hands. Some days it feels as though I can't keep going. Today is not one of those days. We can do this. :)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Running out of patience...

After our 2nd failed IUI in May, hubby and I decided to take the month of June off from meds/procedures and try naturally. My doctor is out of the country anyway and we have decided to get a second opinion from another highly recommended RE. Our appointment isn't until next Thursday so once again we are just waiting and waiting and waiting. I am not sure what this RE will tell us. Maybe he will want to put us through more testing. Maybe he will tell us we need to just try naturally again for a length of time. Maybe he will tell us we need to move forward with different treatments. The thoughts are just racing through my mind lately of what this appointment could bring. I am hopeful. I am anxious. I am running out of patience.

The good thing about next Thursday is it is my last day of work for this school year! My husband and I are both teachers so we get to relax this summer. It will be the perfect time to rejuvinate ourselves. I know we can deal with this thing called infertility, I just don't want to. I think we both need this summer to remember all of the things going right in our lives.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Sorry, I have not posted in a while. It has just been too difficult to get my thoughts/feelings out there. Update: We had our 2nd IUI in May and it failed. We decided to talk to our parents and let them in on our little IF secret. I will post more about that later. I am a teacher and have just been trying to close out the school year on a positive note. There are 5 and half days left of school and then I can give more time to blogging because I feel it is a healthy thing for me.

I did decide that I had to give my blog a makeover. I needed something new and feel this template is more me. The picture is not my husband and I but represents us and our time well wasted together. Hopefully soon we will be able to add another set of feet to that picture!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Testing 1, 2, 3....

Testing time has arrived. Technically, I could have tested this morning but I thought it would be better to save it for the weekend so I don't have to go to work after the results. My husband and I just got back from the store...I have the test in hand...what a dangerous thing! I will wait until tomorrow (Saturday) or Sunday morning. I might decide to wait even longer than that. I just feel I deserve to test after what feels like such a long wait. I may regret this decision but I am thinking I am not the only one that feels this way every month!

Back in September when we first starting seeing our RE, he told us that he would expect us to be pregnant within 3 months (3 rounds of Clomid only.) Here we are in May, our 2nd IUI. I never thought we would get to this point in our trying to conceive journey. Heck, I never though we would have to see a fertility specialist. I give so much credit to those of you who have tried way longer than us, have done countless IUI cycles and are now into are my heroes. The fact that you are still standing, still trying, and keeping hope never ceases to amaze me. Thank you for your inspiration.

After our first IUI in February, we had quite the mishap with the pregnancy test. I decided to POAS (pee on a stick) and then I hopped into the shower thinking by the time I was out of the shower the results would be ready. Once I was finished, I wrapped a towel around me, took a deep breath, took another deep breath, gave myself a pep talk, and then looked at the test. There was a line!!!!!! I ran out of the bathroom and said "Husband's name, I think I'm pregnant." He too, saw the line and for two minutes we hugged and cried and were in shock. Then, hubby realized we had purchased the test that you need a + sign instead of just a line for positive results. We were devastated. Deep inside though I knew it was never true. This time, we made sure to buy the test that only requires one line for BFP. I will triple check the box after I take the test to make sure this time!

In the meantime, I am going to watch Sherlock Holmes to keep my mind occupied. The closer it gets to testing time, the more anxious I become.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


So last night I watched the second to last episode of one of my favorite shows, Lost. Whoever came up with the title for that show should win an Oscar or some kind of prize because there has not been a single episode yet that I have not felt lost after watching it. So the season finale is this Sunday....last show....ever. I must say I am kind of sad but ready to let it go. I am ready for all of those poor people on the island to not be lost anymore. All bad things must come to an end, right?

Now, you may be wondering why I am writing about a tv show on an infertility blog. Ironically, I can take a pregnancy test this weekend. I have been lost within my infertility for quite some time now. I feel like I have lost who I am as a person...not sure when but somewhere in the middle of trying to get pregnant month after month and being let down month after month has left me kind of on a deserted island. The only other person on that island is my husband. I was talking to my mom on the phone tonight and had a hard time because I just kept thinking "Oh, mom, if you only knew what I was going through right now." My husband and I have promised that we will talk to our families regardless of the results this cycle. At least if we don't end up pregnant we will have a few others on the deserted island with us. I am really hoping this weekend marks not only the end of one of my favorite shows, but the end of my infertility (realizing that it will always stay with me.) I am ready for it to go away (at least until our second child!) I will always carry my lessons I have learned from infertility with me and will savor every moment (good or bad) of pregnancy and will cherish every moment of motherhood. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the end and the beginning this weekend.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Crazy Muts

I have 2 babies that fill the void of not having my own kids yet, Lucy & Mickey (Well, they fill part of the void.) Lucy is 2 and a half and an 80lb. Australian Shepard and Mickey is just over 2 and a 35lb. Border Collie. I was just outside with them throwing a ball and kicking a soccer ball for them to endlessly bring back and wait for it to be thrown again. Our backyard is up on a hill and I happened to see/hear our neighbors two doors down playing with their kids outside. I have to admit, I think I was having more fun! My husband makes fun of me a lot because of all of the dog stories I tell to family and friends. Trust me, I wouldn't be telling as many dog stories if I had stories about kids to tell. Someday I will hopefully be able to talk/share stories about the goofy things our kids do.
The truth is, I absolutely love my dogs and treat them as if they are my children because they kind of are. It reassures me that I will be a good mother because if I can love dogs this much I can't even begin to imagine the unconditional love for my own children. Lucy has dried so many of my tears over not being able to get pregnant. Any time I even sniffle a little bit, Lucy jumps right on top of me and licks my face. She won't leave my side until I am not upset anymore. I am very thankful that I have these two great pups in my life. I think God knew infertility issues were on their way a few years ago and sent us help in the form of canines. At this point, I'll take all of the help I can get! :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Grumpy Pants

Today is CD21. I am 10dpIUI #2. I am fed up. I am angry today. I am feeling defeated. I was telling my husband this afternoon that it just gets harder every day that goes by and I don't feel any symptoms. Now, I do realize that some women do not experience symptoms until weeks after they find out they are pregnant, but can't a girl hope that God would give her a little ray of sunshine in order for her to keep hope? I also realize that I have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant so maybe I am experiencing symptoms and don't know it yet. Maybe the sharp pains going through my stomach yesterday were a sign. Maybe I should realize that God has given me signs but I haven't opened my eyes yet to see or feel them. Maybe I should come to terms that it just doesn't work that way...good things come to those who wait, right?????

My struggle right now is figuring out how to stay positive. Maybe the progesterone pills are a large part of me being a grumpy pants lately. Maybe it is because yesterday, while with friends, I had to hear about how another person is pregnant (in a short amount of time) and hear how other pregnant people are doing. I try to be happy for these women but I can't help it lately to just be jealous and sad. Some days I get so mad at myself for being so selfish. What makes me think I should have been one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant right away? I have to remember that I am thankful for all of the knowledge I have gained and how much stronger I am today than I was yesterday. I am pretty sure I am going to be a better mother because of infertility. I am a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason." but I sometimes just wish I got to know that reason.

I saw a few quotes today that put things into perspective for me...
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale

So I guess what I have to say today to my infertility is -
"These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."

I will walk, run, or maybe even sprint to beat infertility. I am not defeated, we just haven't won the fight yet. The battle is still going....we will not raise our white flag and surrender. Instead we will continue to use our weapons of fertility meds, hope, love, and God to help us win this war. It certainly isn't the path we thought we would be walking....but what's life anyway without a little adventure. At least I have a great husband to sprint with me.

So for now, I will still be wearing my grumpy pants for a while but I will also be wearing my boots to kick infertility in the ass! (sorry for the language!) :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Ovaries, Are You Out There?

Dear Ovaries,
I have a few questions and comments for you.....
1) Are you working?
2) What makes you think you can take breaks every so often?
3) Do you have to have little sharp pains shoot through you once in a while that give me false hope that there is some kind of baby making going on down there?
4) How much medicine does it take for you to produce good follicles/eggs?
5) Left side - Are you alive? Seriously, every ultrasound to check out the good ol' follies proves that you are a slacker. The right side is kicking your butt in the follicle department. Pick up the pace please. Maybe you are the side that will be the winner!
6) Are there any eggs in those follicles of yours?
7) What medicine would you like to try next because obviously Clomid, FSH shots, and HCG triggers just aren't doing it for you.
8) Can you and my fallopian tube friends stop fighting? Just get along already and pass something through there.

Okay, I guess that is it for now. Just because I am done here doesn't mean I am letting you off the hook.

P.S. I love you. :)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Constant Reminders

I just finished watching an episode of Modern Family. It seems as though everywhere I turn lately, there is something that reminds me I do not have a child. Pregnant women seem to be around every corner...kind of like when you get a new car you notice all of the people who have the same car (but that is an easier one to handle!) I guess I am just feeling like I want to avoid the world sometimes. Can't I just avoid family gatherings, seeing friends, and going out in public (okay I am exaggerating!) Can't I just curl up in a comfy blanket on the couch with my two dogs and my husband until I am actually pregnant? I am so sick of having to make up some stupid excuse for when people ask me why I am not drinking...trying to get pregnant here people! Maybe I should just say "I am pregnant with dinosaur triplets so I am trying to cut back on the alcohol" and then maybe they won't ever ask again. Getting together with family even proves to be difficult lately. It is hard to be around anyone who doesn't know the constant struggle I am going through. So I guess that leaves me with the only person it is easy to be around lately is my husband. With him, I can just sit in the living room and say nothing, not smile, not laugh at my favorite shows, and he just understands. He hurts too. I can't hold it against my friends and family who we have not informed because that is a choice that we made. Maybe someday we will let everyone into our very private world, although, some may want to avoid entering it. Maybe I am afraid of how people will react or of how they will not react. Right now I just feel I have all that I can handle....I don't need other people to ask me how I am doing, or if I have gotten my period, or if I am feeling any symptoms, or anything that will be a reminder that I am not a mother yet. That blanket over there on the couch is looking really good right about now!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


A few of the infertility blogs I have been following lately have inspired me to start my own blog. The intention of this blog is for me to talk about my issues with infertility. It is meant to be a healthy and safe outlet for my emotions/frustrations/worries/etc. We have not shared our struggles with family yet...we just have felt that we want to deal with this privately for now so it will be nice to be able to talk about here. I am new at this blogging thing so bear with me!
A little introduction...
My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August of 2008. 22 months. 22 long months. We did have to take a few months off here and there within that time frame but overall it just seems to be taking forever! Since this past September, hubby and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. This February we had our first IUI....failed. We had to try naturally (I am sad that I just said we "had to try naturally" - darn the bad luck!) in March and April due to our RE being on vacation in March and then my hysterosalpingogram in April. We are now 5 days past our 2nd IUI. The 2 week wait to test is not so much fun. In the meantime, I am going to try to keep an optimistic outlook. Lately, with all of the meds I am on it feels as though I am just living in a fog. Hopefully, the fog will clear up in 2 weeks!
So far this journey has been time well wasted....I wouldn't want to go back and have things go differently. I have a good life, but am just struggling to share this world with a new baby. My faith and awesome hubby have kept me going through a lot of this....I know He will guide us through this.