Friday, November 19, 2010

What we do have...

Laparascopy here we come! We had our "what is the next step" appointment with our doctor yesterday. He kept trying to explain IVF and laparascopy to us and I finally said to him "We are very well aware of what our options are and know quite a bit about both of those choices." He said "You want me to decide for you don't you?" We both told him that him choosing for us would just make our lives a whole lot easier. He did tell us he thinks the best choice would be to have the surgery. Not my favorite idea but hopefully it will give us some answers and if it doesn't it will at least give us the peace of mind to move forward (with IVF.) Throughout this whole journey my goal is to just be mentally ready for each step. That involves me eliminating all of my options before I pursue new things. Now, I know everyone does it differently but that is just the way it has worked for me. I am very nervous about the procedure but am hopeful with what may come of it. I broke down in the car right after the appointment with my husband and just said "I need this to just be easier." We are going to just continue to live out the answer.

My goal for the upcoming holiday season: focus on what we do have instead of what we don't have.
I must start remembering that we are so blessed in our lives. I must pull myself out of this black hole I have been in. I must pull myself up by my boot straps and just keep on keepin' on. Will surgery probably suck? Yup. Will I have to take off work? Yup. Will we be one step closer to pregnancy? Yup.
We do have good doctors, we do have each other, we do have support, we do have our faith, and we do have a roof over our heads, food to eat, dogs to spoil us, cars to drive, warm clothes to wear, and love to give.
I am going to focus on spreading some more of that love this holiday season.
As Love Actually, one of my favorite movies says "Love is all around." Sometimes we just need to open our eyes to remember where to find it and remember what we do have in our lives.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Martini Mourning

Well, I was able to have a martini tonight with my dinner. That is only because IUI #5 failed. Mission not accomplished.

I am mad. I am disappointed. I am losing hope that this will ever happen. I have tried to be a positive person throughout all of this but now I am just feeling like the statue (not that I want to be the pigeon.) I think it is totally unfair that any couple should have to endure this much. Has it made us stronger because of it? Yes, but enough is enough. We want to be parents so much and it just doesn't make any sense. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but I am running out of patience with the time it is taking for this "everything" to happen.

This IUI was our last one. Our checklist doesn't have very much left on it. We are going to meet with our RE next week to discuss what to do next. We are not sure if he is going to tell us I need to have a laparoscopy or if we just move right into IVF. Honestly, both scare the shit out of me. Ultimately, good things could come out of them but never thought I would be here. I totally understand though why we have had to go through 2 years and 4 months of trying and meds and was just preparing us and making us stronger for the more difficult steps we must now take.

I am feeling I have been a horrible blogger lately. I have been feeling quite depressed for some time now. I have been trying to keep up with commenting. It seems as though a ton of my blogger friends are now pregnant. This makes it difficult because I can't relate but gives me hope for the future. I really need support right now.

I just want to scream and break down but I know that won't do me any good. For now I will tell myself what I tell many others with my sarcasm "Suck it up Sally!" As I have said before, I can and will do this. One day at a time.