Saturday, October 23, 2010

One Last Time

Here we the beginning stages of our last IUI. IUI #5.

I start my injectables tomorrow (Sunday) I am trying not to be sad. I am trying not to be bitter.

Only positive thoughts right now. We really want and need this to be all that we are hoping for. My husband and I debated for a long time whether or not to skip the 5th IUI and move forward with IVF. After many discussions, I realized it is important to me to try IUI one more time. It is kind of like checking something off of my list of things we need to do before IVF. I just would always wonder if it would have worked. So why not just try it. The good thing is that we switched to my insurance which actually covers a lot of inferility treatments and medicine! Woo hoo! Thank goodness for insurance companies that have their shit together! No more paying everything out of pocket. This is going to be a long month of waiting, waiting, and waiting. I try to keep telling myself that we can do this, we will do this, and it will be worth it. The emotional stress is sometimes just a little too much. I am so excited about the possibilities!

Breathe in, breathe out, it will all work out. (right?)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What I Know for Sure (Maybe Oprah will put this in her next month's column!)

I have not been writing lately mainly because I don't have much to write about and the beginning of this school year has been taking over my life! I love teaching but holy cow this year has been overwhelming so far. I apologize for not being the best blogger friend lately. I hope you know that I am trying to get on here and check up on all of you when I can - just because I don't comment it doesn't mean I don't care - I do care and I am thinking of you all. For some reason, tonight I feel like writing. Warning - nothing exciting here!

My husband and I have kind of been at a stand still for a few months now. We went so hard at baby making this summer with IUI #3 & IUI #4 and now we just are kind of sitting with our thumbs up our asses. We tried the good ol' fashioned way last month and we are again this month. It has been even harder to try naturally than ever before. It seems pointless. We know it doesn't work. We know my eggs are really stubborn and for some reason are afraid to show their faces. We know that without fertility meds or treatments our chances of success are slim to none. We know that it is not sexy or fun or romantic to have sex for that purpose anymore. I am just so done with all of this. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and forget that any of this has ever happened. How in the world did we get past two years of trying? Right around the corner will be two and a half years of trying. Right after that will be three years. For the time being, I just want to be able to take a deep breath. I am thinking I won't be able to do that until we are pregnant.

So where do we go from here? Well, after this cycle we are going to do IUI #5. What???!!! (this may be your reaction since I posted a while back that I thought this was silly and we might be moving on to IVF.) I think for myself, I need to exhaust all of our options before we leap into IVF. All along with our new doctor we had in our "plan" to do a fifth IUI. I am not sure how hopeful I am that it will work, but I do know that if it doesn't work I will be more mentally ready for IVF. It's kind of like checking this off a list. I don't want to have unchecked boxes before moving on to bigger treatements. Right now we are kind of just waiting for this cycle to be over so we can start the process for our final IUI.

We may know that trying naturally doesn't work for us, but miracles happen. We may know that my eggs are really stubborn, but we know the egg that is meant to release will do so when it is time. We are really banking on this 5th IUI because we really don't want to get to the point of IVF, but we know God has a plan. I know that it is completely unfair that women have to struggle so much to have children but we are better women because of it. I know that some days I feel infertility is winning but I will not throw in the towel. We know that we are meant to be parents. We know that we will be damn good parents. We know that we are loved, supported, and have cheerleaders on our sideline. We know that love bears all things. We know our turn will be soon.

I know for sure that I am strong enough.