Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Goods Have Been Delivered

Sometimes I feel like I am in the movie Groundhog you ever feel like all of your cylces just blur together sometimes? I feel like I just posted something like this one a few weeks ago!

Just a quick update -
The IUI yesterday went very well. I was nervous going into it because we had been told by the office that it would be one of the clinical nurses performing the procedure. For some reason, I just felt uncomfortable with a complete stranger doing something very personal for us. To my surprise, the nurse that walked in was the nurse we have been working with at the new doctor's office every time we have appointments who does all of my ultrasounds and planning for us. We see her more than we do the actual doctors. Seeing her made me take a deep breath and relax. It was funny having a woman perform the procedure because she kept asking about my comfort level and if there was any pain, etc. I thanked her for caring so much and joked that the male doctors who have done this in the past just jam things up in my unmentionable areas and aren't concerned with comfort! We had a good laugh.

Some great things about this cycle - I had two promising follicles, my hubbies sperm count was double what it was last IUI, and my lining was double the thickness of last time. Let's just hope I ovulate!

Time will tell if this is THE cycle for us. Now the hard part is finding distractions for the next two weeks! :) I will try not to read to far into any "feelings" I have with my body!

Monday, July 26, 2010

IUI #4 - She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain When She Comes!

So today was my follicle scan for my 4th IUI cycle. I had two good looking follicles on my right side (my left side is still a huge slacker!) My last shot for this cycle was tonight, which was the trigger shot. Our IUI is set for Wednesday morning.

I must say I am just filled with excitement. It is really nice that no matter how many times we are shot down month after month, I can still feel really hopeful. My husband and I were talking today about how it sometimes does not seem possible that we will ever get that positive HPT but how it will just be so awesome when we do!

We spent this weekend up north in Michigan with my family. It was so nice to get out of town again. Friday night we decided to play disc golf on the mountain of the ski resort we were at. The time I had to give myself one of my Follistim shots was while we were on the course. I packed up my meds in a cooler and brought them with me on the mountain. About the 9th hole (which was the highest point on the course), my husband and I got out the goods and I gave myself the shot. I have to say that is a first! A shot in my stomach on the top of a mountain! It certainly made us giggle because infertility has made us do some crazy things. At least we do them together! :)

Yesterday we went down to the lake by the place we were staying. I walked in the water for quite a while and just soaked in the beauty of the place. Up north Michigan is my favorite place to be besides home. It is really peaceful and as I looked around the lake/mountain it reminds me of how beautiful life is...sometimes I just forget to look.

My question for all of you is: What are some of the craziest things infertility has found you doing? Just curious! :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Moving Forward and Not Looking Back

Last night my least favorite Aunt Flo came into town. IUI #3 failed. We are now going to go past the feared 2 year mark. I had felt back cramps all day and kind of knew it was coming...but holy cow did she come with a force. She obviously wanted me to be well aware of her presence. Thank goodness for some Tylenol to get me through the night.

I am not sure how much I will post in these next few weeks. I think I need to focus on being more positive and getting my attitude back together. I have spent too much time lately feeling sorry for myself. I have spent too much time lately angry that I have had to endure so much to not even be pregnant yet. I have spent too much time lately just not enjoying life.

It is time for me to have an attitude check. Do I want to go to my screening ultrasound tomorrow to see if I have any cysts? No, but I will. Do I want to start yet another round of medicine on Wednesday that is a higher dose than ever before? No, but I will. Do I want to come back early from our weekend up north this weekend to have my follie scan? No, but I will. Do I want to spend yet another $1200 on an IUI cycle? No, but I will.

Do I want to be pregnant? Yes. Do I want to do everything I can to get us there faster? Yes. Does it mean I have to suck it up and just jump into this next cycle right away without feeling like I have taken a deep breath in a long time? Yes.

The bottom line matter how hard this keeps getting...I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I will not stop until we reach our goal (and then it is a whole new ballgame after that!)

I just need to keep my chin up, smile, love life, be normal (whatever normal is) and get on with it. Is it perfect? No. Is it what I need to do? Yes.

No more feeling sorry for myself. This is my life. This is my journey. I have had the strength to get me to this point and know I will have the strength to get me to/through the next point. God knows what we can handle. I am done trying to control what is way beyond my control in the first place.

Let the sun shine in. Let the darkness fade away.


Saturday, July 17, 2010


Well, my husband and I are back from vacation! It was a fun trip but we are definitely glad to be home. Home is predictable, comfortable, and is what I need right now.

It blew my mind on our vacation how much I could not get away from infertility. Apparently, it follows me everywhere (I am sure many of you can relate to this.) I found myself just in a daze many times thinking about if I am pregnant or not and what will I do if I am and what will I do if I'm not. I wrote a post a while back about being preoccupied in my thoughts. That just about sums up the trip for me. Although I did have a ton of fun, I never felt like my whole self was ever really there. My body may have been on vacation but my mind was not. Some days I just wish I could let go of worrying about everything related to infertility (which is a lot to ask of myself.)

I can take a pregnancy test on Tuesday...not sure if I want to take a test or just wait for a missed period. There have been many moments these past few days that make me think I am pregnant. My boobs are way swollen and feel like I just lost a WWF match where someone just continuously punched me in that area...although sometimes they hurt when Aunt Flo is coming. I kind of just feel "off" and am really tired and out of it...but this could just be stress. I have been feeling minor aches and pains in my lower back and abdomen...once again it could be signs that my period is coming. For now, we just continue to wait. I am so excited and fearful to take that test. This has to be it. (I have said that way too many times before!)

I am doing my best catching up with reading/commenting with everyone's blogs. It kind of was nice to be away from a computer for so facebook, no e-mail, no blogging. I felt kind of free! But it is nice to be back at it! :)

In the meantime, I will be unpacking, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house. Back to reality! :)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Vacation Here We Come!

My husband and I leave tomorrow morning for a 1 week vacation with his parents and brother/brother's fiance. It is a much needed vacation. :)

I am so sorry that I won't be here to support all of you for a week but just know that I will be thinking of all of my IF friends and you will be in my prayers. I will catch up with everyone's blogs/lives when I get back next Friday. :)

At least this trip will help one week of the 2ww go quickly (or so I hope!) We will only have a few more days after we get back from the trip to wait until we can test. There are a few things that the doctor told me I couldn't participate in on the trip due to my stimulated ovaries/the chance that I could be pregnant (fingers crossed.) So, I will be at the cabin by myself a lot, which is okay because I am planning on reading (which is one of my favorite things to do in the summer.) I am bummed the cabin does not have internet to the wilderness I go!

Wishing all of you a wonderful week full of laughter, optimism, rain for your flowers, and sunshine for your soul. See you in a week! :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fly Away Time

First of all, I just have to say thank you to all of you who have been supporting me. I am overwhelmed by the positive comments and support. I really do feel as though all of us Iffers are a community that I am slowly working my way into. I am feeling the love! :)

A short quiz today:

Question #1 -
What do all of these things have in common?
- the weekends
- watching a great movie
- cheering on my favorite team during the last few minutes of a championship game
- taking walks with my dogs
- reading a good book
- vacations
- eating an ice cream cone
- the lunch hour

Answer: You guessed it....they are all circumstances where TIME FLIES!

Question #2 -
What do these things have in common?
- the two week wait
- every day with IF

Answer: You got it right again...they are all things where time stands still.

Right now, I am only 4 days into the 2 week wait. Although it kind of is a 24 month wait. This cycle actually marks 2 years exactly since we first started trying to conceive. I have a huge fear of going past 2 years. It's like this milestone that just seemed impossible up to this point. It was off my radar for a very long time. These past few cycles have brought this new found fear out in me - what if this time it doesn't work and we go past two years? I keep trying to tell myself that we have been fighters up to this point in our journey and we will continue to do so. 2 years should not scare me...but that little devil sitting on my right shoulder keeps whispering doubts into my ear. I tried flicking him off but he won't go away.

I think for now I will just take this one day at a time. 2 weeks can't go by that slowly, can it? Who am I kidding! We all know it always does!

Just out of curiosity, what do all of you do to pass the time and make it go faster during your 2 week waits?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Love At First Sight :)

What a day! It started with a 5:00 alarm blaring in our resentful ears. I rolled out of bed, showered, dressed, prayed, and left the house about 6:00 to make our hour drive to our fertility center. My hubby's sperm washing appt. was at 7:15 this morning and our IUI was scheduled for 11 am. The city that we had to go to is the same city where we both went to college so we are very familiar with the area. Needless to say, we had a lot of time to waste in between the appointments. It sure was time well wasted...

First, we decided to get a nice breakfast at IHOP. I am only mentioning this because I had the best pancakes and waitress ever. The pancakes were lemon pancakes with fruit topping and whipped Rachel Ray would say: YUMMO! :) They seriously were freaking amazing...just what I needed to get me through the morning! Our waitress, Joan, was a doll. We were definitely meant to have her on this stressful morning. I even left her a note on a napkin thanking her for her positive attitude and helping make our Sunday morning delightful.

Next, we decided to drive around and visit all of our old college hot spots. We drove by all of the places each of us used to live and some places we used to hang out with our friends. I was so excited because we drove by the apartment complex we were both living in when we met. We were neighbors in this college apartment complex...of course, I started tearing up. You could say it was love at first sight. ;) It was extremely nice to talk about memories and visit places that used to be such a big part of our lives that are still such a big part of our hearts.

The 3 hours went by pretty fast and before we knew it we had to be back at the doctor's office for the procedure. It went pretty smoothly. I should say very smoothly. The doctor made conversation with both of us the entire time which made me very comfortable. I usually get very stressed during these appointments, but with this new doctor today I was as calm as can be. Once it was over, we made the hour drive home. It was pretty quiet...I think we both just had a lot on our minds! ;)

Overall, it was a terrific day. I really am feeling this is our cycle. I think my husband is worried that I am so confident but I told him I am a big girl and if I have to fall again this time I will work my way through it. I really just feel like a lot of things are different this time. The meds, the monitoring, the doctor, the timing of the trigger and ultrasound. I definitely ovulated this morning...I was having pretty sharp, consistent pains on my right side all morning. The timing was perfect.

I just hope it is love at first sight for one sperm and one egg today. I just hope that this "feeling" I have is not just positive thinking but reality. I just hope that everyone going through infertility can have a day like I had today. My husband and I are stronger because of today, more connected, more in tune with the depths of our souls.

I guess I just hope for a miracle. And so the two week wait begins....

Friday, July 2, 2010

Hoping for 4th of July Fireworks

This 4th of July is going to bring family gatherings, cookouts, time with friends, and my 3rd IUI.

I had my Day 10 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. Once again, my left folly is a piece of work. It took her about 4 minutes just to find the darn thing but once she did there were only a few small follicles..nothing to get excited about. Then, when she ventured with her magic wand over to the right side...BINGO...there it was...a beautiful 27mm follicle. I was bummed there was only one because the doc said with the new meds he was hoping for 2 or 3. But, I am thankful for one because some people don't even get that one chance. We'll take it.

So....our IUI#3 is scheduled for this Sunday, July 4th! Independence Day baby! :) My husband jokingly said on the way home that if we happened to get pregnant this round and it was a girl we would have to name her Liberty! :) I just have to poke my stomach one more time tonight to give myself the HCG trigger.

Our IUI is scheduled for 11am. We have to be there at 7:15 though for the sperm collection and washing. That means we will be leaving the house at 6:00am on Sunday morning to get the 4th of July party started! I am just hoping I don't fall asleep when the doctor is performing the procedure!

Well, I won't post again until later on Sunday because we will be with friends and family tonight and all day tomorrow for 4th get-to-gethers. It will be nice to have distractions. My hopes are way up as they always are at this point in my cycles. Hoping for some fireworks on Sunday!

I hope everyone has a great weekend full of sunshine and relaxation! :)