Sunday, February 27, 2011

Kicked IF in the butt yesterday

Baby showers. The dreaded event for an infertile woman. Yesterday I attended one of my best friend's baby showers. Was it easy? No. But I did kick infertility in the butt yesterday and told it to shut it's loud mouth and go away for a day. It worked.

I did have a slight moment of panic about 20 minutes before the shower but thankfully through text messages a good friend talked me through it. I met up with another friend before the shower so I didn't have to show up by myself.

Two of my friends that were also college roommates that live way out of town also came. It was so nice to see them and I even got to meet one of my friend's babies. I had a lot of fun playing with her and getting to know such a beautiful friend is an adorable mom. A natural!

Overall, I was super proud of myself for pushing myself to go to this shower. (Yes I am totally giving myself props here!) My friend who's shower it was gave me the most sincere thank you hug right when I walked in the door for being there. She texted me again after the shower thanking me for coming. Ya I think that made it worth it. I am so thankful to her for recognizing the effort. But really this is a shower I would not have allowed myself to miss. Sure, it tore at my heart a little bit to see all of the cute frog pajamas, and blue elephant stuff animal, and cute socks and booties....but yesterday it was not about me. It was not about the fact that I do not have a baby yet. Yesterday was about my very good friend and the new joy that is about to be brought into her life in May. I am so very glad that I got to celebrate that with her.

Monday, February 21, 2011


Another snow day!!!! Well, I should say an "ice day." Good ol' Michigan weather gave us another day off of work today. I have posted some pics of our icy madness at the bottom of this post. We lost power through the night and got it back about 10:00 this morning - thank goodness because it was getting really cold in our house. February sure wants to go out with a bang here!

Now onto more important things....HAPPY ICLW! I made so many great connections last month through ICLW and am looking forward to connecting with more incredible women. You all never cease to amaze me!

For those of you who are new here, I will give you a quick break down of our story:
- Started dating in September 2002
- Married December 2006
- Started trying to conceive August 2008
- 1 year of trying naturally
- 3 months of just plain clomid
- 5 IUI's (all BFN's)
- tried naturally in between the IUI cycles
- 1 laparoscopy (removed stage 2 endometriosis from behind my right ovary)

Bottom line is, more than 2 and a half years of trying and we are still not pregnant. My lap was in January and the doctor told us to try naturally for a few months (hoping something magical happens here!) If we are not successful we are looking at starting IVF this spring.

We do not have a baby yet but we are still alive. We are still breathing. We are healthy and happy with so many other things in our lives. Some days it seems as though I am suffocating underneath the infertility blanket but most days I just try to not let it define me (easier said than done, right?)

For now we are just continuing to walk this journey hand in hand. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
When I was in the car today I heard an old song that really hit a trigger with me. Do any of you remember Des'ree? I have posted some lyrics from her song "You Gotta Be."

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my hey, hey, hey
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Love will save the day....what a powerful statement. I truly believe this. My Grandpa has been in a nursing home due to a stroke since the beginning of December. Whenever I ask my Grandma how she is holding up with all of this all she ever says to me is: "Sara, I don't have a choice." She is such an amazing woman and I have taken those words to heart with my life. To my husband and I, we don't have a choice. We will just continue to roll with what life brings us, what God gives us. We are following the logical steps, in our opinion. We all may do this differently, but this blog is about the journey my husband and I are on. Feel free to follow and stay awhile and walk with us on this path to who knows what.

My mantra throughout all of this has been to repeat to myself: CALM AND STRONG. Des'ree's lyrics remind me of this. You gotta be tougher than you thought you could, you gotta be stronger than you ever imagined was possible.

Now for some pictures of our hard, crunchy ice and yet again winter wonderland....

It may be hard to see, but we have 1/4 inch to 1/2 inch of ice on our trees and power lines. These pics are all from my yard, but our poor neighborhood lost many trees, branches, and power lines. Spring is on the way, right? :)

It is windy too, and when I was standing outside I could
hear all of the ice cracking on the branches.

I got bored this morning without power so I got a little camera crazy! These are a few pictures of my pups today...thought I would share!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Any Bitch Can Fake It

Just put on your happy face!

That is how I am feeling lately. I am tired of putting on my happy face. I am just tired of pretending at work and with friends and family that everything is hunky dory. (Not sure if that is how you spell that little phrase but we'll just go with it!) It seems like a full time job these days to put on the front that everything is okay. Even people who are aware of our infertility seem to expect the "normal Sara." Geez people cut me some slack once in a while! We saw both of our families this weekend and not one person asked us how we are doing. Am I expecting too much? My boss at work even has called me out on a few occasions and has told me that I am not the same person I was a year ago and he has told me in a joking fashion that I am too uptight lately. This really makes me sad because that is just not my personality at all (well at least I hope not.) I just don't know how to get back to the normal Sara. I don't think there is going back after this. Just moving forward. But right now we really aren't moving at all. We are just stuck without a paddle waiting for something to pull us to shore. Even though my husband shouldn't have to, he at least understands that some days I just want to sulk and be upset and let my feelings show.

I guess I just have to keep reminding myself: "Suck it up, Sally!" One of my favorite quotes is -
"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours right back."
I truly believe in that. We are given what God knows we can handle.

I don't really have much to say today but kind of felt the need to vent about being tired. Somebody splash some water on my face and wake me up!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

50 - What I Didn't Know

This is officially my 50th post. For some reason it feels as though I have written many more than that! I know 50 doesn't seem like a lot but it is exciting to me to compare the Sara in May to the Sara now. Back in May of last year I decided that I would start this blog to have a way to vent about my infertility. This is my list of things that I did not know 50 posts ago.....

- I didn't know I would still not be pregnant right now.
- I didn't know my sister would be engaged, my brother in law engaged, and three of my good friends would be pregnant well before I am...other people's lives are moving forward while our feet are still stuck in the mud.
- I didn't know I would have to give myself shots in the stomach - like a lot of them!
- I didn't know it wouldn't bother me after a while to give myself a shot. No big deal (well at first it was - kind of get used to it!)
- I didn't know we would do 3 more IUI's which would make 5 total and still not be successful.
- I didn't know I would have surgery to figure this shit out.
- I didn't know I would lose complete faith in trying naturally.
- I didn't know that IVF would ever be on our radar let alone right around the corner.
- I didn't know a fabulous RE would come into my life and make my husband and I feel very comfortable about the choices we have made and guide us through to where we are today.
- I didn't know that the receptionists at the fertility center would know us by name.

- I didn't know I would meet so many wonderful, amazing, inspiring, and supportive women through my blog - seriously you all are truly freaking awesome.
- I didn't know my husband and I would be strong enough to get to the point we are today.
- I didn't know I could connect to the core of my soul with my husband. Infertility really takes a marriage to depths of understanding that only fellow infertiles I think could really get.

- I didn't know that this blog would end up not just being about venting. Boy was I wrong about that back in May. This blog means so much more to me than I ever could have guessed. This blog has brought me friendship, support, laughter, and best of all connections with other women who share similar paths. It has allowed me to document our journey. I have learned so much from all of you who are out there continuing your own journeys.

I realize that being kind, empathetic, nurturing, and understanding is so important because everyone we encounter is fighting some kind of battle. My battle just happens to be infertility. My infertility just happens to make me think a lot. My thinking just happens to make me want to write. My writing just happens to occur on this blog. So THANK YOU to everyone who has been an incredible support to my writing and experience. I am forever grateful for this blog and all of the things I never knew it would bring me. I am forever grateful to all of you who continue to cheer us on.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Sexual Healing

Warning: This post is about sex, orgasms, and more sex. Feel free to skip reading this one if that stuff makes your skin crawl (but since most of us have been there done that I figured it wouldn't be a big problem to write about it!)

Something I haven't written much about on here is the pain I have during sex. It is always on my right side and seems to be by my right ovary. Although I enjoy sex with my husband, I tend to always cringe every time due to the fact that it flippin hurts for the majority of the time. It seems as though something is going to pop or burst on my right side. I usually end up having to tell my husband: "Not so hard, or slow down, or be careful!" Imagine how sexy that is to a man who just wants to make love to his wife, not hurt her. This routine has been going on for many years but I have never really thought too far into it. Just kind of figured that it is normal pain.

Fast forward to today (which happens to be another snow day for both of us - sorry to all of you who had to go to work.) our first attempt at sex since before my laparoscopy. Our first attempt at sex since before the endometriosis was removed from behind my RIGHT ovary. HOLY CRAP BATMAN! It did NOT hurt today! Right in the middle of our baby making session I starting crying because it did not hurt anymore. We were very cautious with this rendevous today since I was worried about having fragile lady parts due to only being 3 weeks out from surgery. Not only were my lady parts not fragile - they are fixed! (Just to insert a side note here - does endometriosis affect orgasms b/c I think today felt like the 4th of July fireworks!) Sorry if that is too much information - but remember I did warn you about the contents of this post! Ha ha!

Once I propped a pillow under my hips after we were done I just started bawling. I was a blubbering mess. The tears were flowing because I was just so excited to not have that pain anymore. The tears were flowing because I didn't have to use my hips to block my husband from hurting me anymore. I just can't believe it. The pain for all of those years was the endo. Now it is gone and my sexual healing can start.

Today also marked the first attempt at baby making this month. I think the tears reached my cheeks today because of that too. I don't trust this thing called sex - at least from the viewpoint of trying to get pregnant. It has hurt us many times before and I just felt incredibly vulnerable today. Here we are again getting our hopes up that this could be the month. But at least this month it feels good! :)

P.S. Sorry Chad for writing about this - I couldn't help it though because I am just so excited! :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Winter Wonderland

When I was a kid I remember my mom waking my sister and I up just to tell us it was a snow day and to go back to sleep. Since we would get too excited about this we never would be able to fall back asleep. I think as an adult and as a teacher I am worse about snow days than I was as a kid! So apparently there is this "HUGE, HISTORIC, MASSIVE, STATE OF EMERGENCY" blizzard type of thing heading our way in Michigan. Are any of you getting this storm too? Snow day???????? YES - YES - YES!!!!!

I just happened to be at a meeting all day at our district's administration building and we kept joking with our superintendent about having a snow day. She just kept telling us all day to make sure we have our phones turned up in the morning just in case. On our way out the door at the end of our meeting about 3:30 we interrupted her conversation on the phone and she told us it is officially a snow day tomorrow! Woo hoo!

You couldn't see me just then but I was jumping up and down in the middle of my living room! I don't even have to wear my pajamas inside out or say "Boom Boom for snow" before I fall asleep to make a snow day happen - it is here!
I can't wait for someday when Chad and I have kids and we all get to stay home and be cozy inside from the snow. I will wake them up just like my mom did and tell them to go back to sleep (only to hope that they will get out of bed too because they are just too excited!)

Well I am off to go make some snow angels in the backyard!