Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Any Bitch Can Fake It

Just put on your happy face!

That is how I am feeling lately. I am tired of putting on my happy face. I am just tired of pretending at work and with friends and family that everything is hunky dory. (Not sure if that is how you spell that little phrase but we'll just go with it!) It seems like a full time job these days to put on the front that everything is okay. Even people who are aware of our infertility seem to expect the "normal Sara." Geez people cut me some slack once in a while! We saw both of our families this weekend and not one person asked us how we are doing. Am I expecting too much? My boss at work even has called me out on a few occasions and has told me that I am not the same person I was a year ago and he has told me in a joking fashion that I am too uptight lately. This really makes me sad because that is just not my personality at all (well at least I hope not.) I just don't know how to get back to the normal Sara. I don't think there is going back after this. Just moving forward. But right now we really aren't moving at all. We are just stuck without a paddle waiting for something to pull us to shore. Even though my husband shouldn't have to, he at least understands that some days I just want to sulk and be upset and let my feelings show.

I guess I just have to keep reminding myself: "Suck it up, Sally!" One of my favorite quotes is -
"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours right back."
I truly believe in that. We are given what God knows we can handle.

I don't really have much to say today but kind of felt the need to vent about being tired. Somebody splash some water on my face and wake me up!


  1. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you WILL get back to your previous self! Actually, you'll probably evolve into an even more awesome version of your previous self. Stronger, wiser, and more at peace. It takes time, but you'll get there. Hold on to hope... but don't force yourself to be happy for others. It's about YOU!!

  2. Oh Sara - we all have our moments (days, weeks months, years) feeling like this.

    Keep in mind that you'll never again be the old "normal" Sara b/c that Sara didn't know what you do now...hadn't gone through what you've gone through now.

    However, that's not always a bad thing. We just have to remember that there's a reason for everything... whether you're religious or not, I think this post might help you right now - you never know why things are happening they way they are!


    Hang in there hon. ((HUGS))

  3. Sara you have just posted pretty much what I'm feeling today-I tried to write it in a post and gave up!Every now and then a day comes along where you simply can't pull yourself out of it, today is like that.And I agree-people don't seem to realise that we can't just put all of this stuff to one side, it's there all the time, and some acknowledgement would be nice sometimes wouldn't it!Just a simple 'how are things going' would be great.
    I agree with the top two comments though-we will find ourselves again eventually and although we might be a little different I'd like to think we will be as Amber said-stronger wiser and more at peace-I like that!
    (((hugs))) love, lets hope tomorrow is a better day! xoxo

  4. I completely understand how you are feeling. It seems to take everything I have day after day to put on a smile and act like I am 'okay'. Sometimes it makes things easier because I don't get questions (whats wrong etc), but gaw it's hard and emotionally draining!! I am just waiting for that day that I will be happy. I know I will never be the 'same me' bc IF (as with any hard situation) changes you but to have happiness back and less worrying would be wonderful!!!
    If God only gives us what we can handle (which I believe) he must think a lot better of me than I do!!!

  5. I think we all understand this all to well. IF can change who we are. It takes a big person to recognize the change and to make the steps to get the old you back. But until then, we just have to fake it! Hugs to you

  6. I am right there with you. I would like to send God a little memo about just how strong I am, because clearly he has me confused with someone else!

  7. I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I think this journey gets the best of all of us from time to time. Just know you are doing the best that you can right now and everyone else will just have to deal with it.
    hang in there....

  8. Oh yeah, I've had this feeling many times. Why do I have to be all cheery and happy just so others don't have to see how much pain I'm in? It made me so mad!! And frustrated. Because, on the other hand, especially for those at work and not my nearest family, if I did just let go and show my emotions it would be more trouble than it was worth to have to explain and so on. I did finally let go a bit after one particularly horrendous loss and let it out to my mother. And there was another moment when thing were going badly and my mother and a good friend were at my house and I broke down with them. I don't know. Maybe having a few people you can show your real grief and pain to helps with keeping on that smiley face with those whom you don't want knowing all your personal pain. Don't know if that helps or not, but thinking of you!!

  9. Sometimes it's hard for me to respond to posts like this because I have what we all wanted now and I don't want to be an annoying voice to you... I hope I'm not.

    That being said, I feel compelled to tell you that all the shitty stuff I had to go through (which wasn't all that much compared to some) has made me more capable of the kind of love I hoped to give my daughter. I have more ability to feel for others than I ever had before and I just know I am a better person now than I was before it.

    It doesn't mean that I'm glad it happened this way - maybe someday I'll see it that way - but it does mean that I can appreciate the things it's given me.

    One of my favorite quotes through this journey has been the following, "That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not." ~ James K. Feibleman

    I know you'll feel that way someday too. :hugs:

  10. Hi, I have just started following your blog and I can completely relate to you. I even write a blog post called 'Poker Face and Spoons' back in December that talked about how I am not myself anymore. That I felt changed and worried by it.
    I'm so glad that we have support through these blogs. It's an amazing outlet and connection to others who are struggling too.
    Good luck with your natural cycles and I pray that you get lucky.
    Come visit if you get a chance!


  11. Sara - You're right that there is no going back after IF. Even when we do get our take home babies (and we will!!), IF has changed us.I guess the trick is to let it be a part of us without letting it define us. Easier said than done some days, but we IFs roll with those punches and take the good days in stride with the bad. At least we have each other and I see you have the support of ten wonderful ladies ^. Eleven, if you count me! Hugs to you!