Today is CD21. I am 10dpIUI #2. I am fed up. I am angry today. I am feeling defeated. I was telling my husband this afternoon that it just gets harder every day that goes by and I don't feel any symptoms. Now, I do realize that some women do not experience symptoms until weeks after they find out they are pregnant, but can't a girl hope that God would give her a little ray of sunshine in order for her to keep hope? I also realize that I have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant so maybe I am experiencing symptoms and don't know it yet. Maybe the sharp pains going through my stomach yesterday were a sign. Maybe I should realize that God has given me signs but I haven't opened my eyes yet to see or feel them. Maybe I should come to terms that it just doesn't work that way...good things come to those who wait, right?????
My struggle right now is figuring out how to stay positive. Maybe the progesterone pills are a large part of me being a grumpy pants lately. Maybe it is because yesterday, while with friends, I had to hear about how another person is pregnant (in a short amount of time) and hear how other pregnant people are doing. I try to be happy for these women but I can't help it lately to just be jealous and sad. Some days I get so mad at myself for being so selfish. What makes me think I should have been one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant right away? I have to remember that I am thankful for all of the knowledge I have gained and how much stronger I am today than I was yesterday. I am pretty sure I am going to be a better mother because of infertility. I am a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason." but I sometimes just wish I got to know that reason.
I saw a few quotes today that put things into perspective for me...
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
So I guess what I have to say today to my infertility is -
"These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."
I will walk, run, or maybe even sprint to beat infertility. I am not defeated, we just haven't won the fight yet. The battle is still going....we will not raise our white flag and surrender. Instead we will continue to use our weapons of fertility meds, hope, love, and God to help us win this war. It certainly isn't the path we thought we would be walking....but what's life anyway without a little adventure. At least I have a great husband to sprint with me.
So for now, I will still be wearing my grumpy pants for a while but I will also be wearing my boots to kick infertility in the ass! (sorry for the language!) :)