Do you ever feel like people are talking to you and you just nod your head and pretend you are listening? I used to consider myself a pretty good listener until my issues with IF. I used to consider myself a person who enjoys empathizing with other people when they are in need. I used to consider myself a person who cares about the small celebrations in other people's lives. I used to consider myself a person who likes to look at moms with their babies...I used to ooh and aah. Now, I find myself turning away from those situations.
Today, I just consider myself as a person who is preoccupied. Every thought and every moment is taken up by infertility. It is always in the front or back of my mind. Commercials, pregnant women, strollers, facebook pregnancy posts, more pregnant women....they are everywhere! I find it hard to not be preoccupied in my thoughts when every time I turn around there is something to remind me that I do not yet have a child. I realize that the time may not be right yet and it is not in my hands but does it have to be thrown in our faces every time we turn around? Can't pregnant women just poke their belly buttons that are poking out back in - I will do it for them if they don't mind. Can't the host at a restaurant ask "Would you like the pregnant section or non-pregnant section?"
Today, I consider myself a person that other people want to avoid. My genuine smile is gone. My natural energy is gone. My motivation to help other people feel happy is gone. Could it be the meds? I will try not to use that as an excuse.
Today, I consider myself a person that puts on a happy face when all I want to do is cry. I put on my big girl panties when all I want to do is not deal with it.
I don't know this person. This is all new to me. I hope I find the old Sara someday. I hope I find the girl that loves to listen, loves to watch kids play, loves to help make others happy, loves to smile, loves to sincerely care about others issues, loves to just enjoy life. I will find her, I know I will. It might just take some time to swim my way through this infertility fog.
Hopefully, I will find myself on the other side.
Friday's ultrasound can't come soon enough...I just hope the follies are behaving this round.
Oh, I can soooo relate to this post. Thank you for expressing it so well. I feel the exact same way. Just putting on the face. Where am I? Where's the person I used to know? Why can't I just be normal around others with babies????? Especially my best friend whose baby is the age mine would have been had we gotten pregnant relatively right away. Ugh. Sorry... no words of comfort, but loads of understanding. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm in that place too. I think we'll come out of it even better than before because we'll be more sensitive to others and better at empathizing with people. (((hugs))) I hope your follie scan goes better than mine did!!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I think a large portion of what you're feeling IS due to the meds. And, you've gone through a LOT, and you have every right to feel worn out by it all. The fog will lift eventually. Hoping your ultrasound reveals lots of good behavior!
ReplyDeleteYep, this could've been written by me. I hope your u/s goes well!
ReplyDelete