Last night my least favorite Aunt Flo came into town. IUI #3 failed. We are now going to go past the feared 2 year mark. I had felt back cramps all day and kind of knew it was coming...but holy cow did she come with a force. She obviously wanted me to be well aware of her presence. Thank goodness for some Tylenol to get me through the night.
I am not sure how much I will post in these next few weeks. I think I need to focus on being more positive and getting my attitude back together. I have spent too much time lately feeling sorry for myself. I have spent too much time lately angry that I have had to endure so much to not even be pregnant yet. I have spent too much time lately just not enjoying life.
It is time for me to have an attitude check. Do I want to go to my screening ultrasound tomorrow to see if I have any cysts? No, but I will. Do I want to start yet another round of medicine on Wednesday that is a higher dose than ever before? No, but I will. Do I want to come back early from our weekend up north this weekend to have my follie scan? No, but I will. Do I want to spend yet another $1200 on an IUI cycle? No, but I will.
Do I want to be pregnant? Yes. Do I want to do everything I can to get us there faster? Yes. Does it mean I have to suck it up and just jump into this next cycle right away without feeling like I have taken a deep breath in a long time? Yes.
The bottom line is...no matter how hard this keeps getting...I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I will not stop until we reach our goal (and then it is a whole new ballgame after that!)
I just need to keep my chin up, smile, love life, be normal (whatever normal is) and get on with it. Is it perfect? No. Is it what I need to do? Yes.
No more feeling sorry for myself. This is my life. This is my journey. I have had the strength to get me to this point and know I will have the strength to get me to/through the next point. God knows what we can handle. I am done trying to control what is way beyond my control in the first place.
Let the sun shine in. Let the darkness fade away.
I CAN AND I WILL.