Monday, July 19, 2010

Moving Forward and Not Looking Back

Last night my least favorite Aunt Flo came into town. IUI #3 failed. We are now going to go past the feared 2 year mark. I had felt back cramps all day and kind of knew it was coming...but holy cow did she come with a force. She obviously wanted me to be well aware of her presence. Thank goodness for some Tylenol to get me through the night.

I am not sure how much I will post in these next few weeks. I think I need to focus on being more positive and getting my attitude back together. I have spent too much time lately feeling sorry for myself. I have spent too much time lately angry that I have had to endure so much to not even be pregnant yet. I have spent too much time lately just not enjoying life.

It is time for me to have an attitude check. Do I want to go to my screening ultrasound tomorrow to see if I have any cysts? No, but I will. Do I want to start yet another round of medicine on Wednesday that is a higher dose than ever before? No, but I will. Do I want to come back early from our weekend up north this weekend to have my follie scan? No, but I will. Do I want to spend yet another $1200 on an IUI cycle? No, but I will.

Do I want to be pregnant? Yes. Do I want to do everything I can to get us there faster? Yes. Does it mean I have to suck it up and just jump into this next cycle right away without feeling like I have taken a deep breath in a long time? Yes.

The bottom line is...no matter how hard this keeps getting...I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I will not stop until we reach our goal (and then it is a whole new ballgame after that!)

I just need to keep my chin up, smile, love life, be normal (whatever normal is) and get on with it. Is it perfect? No. Is it what I need to do? Yes.

No more feeling sorry for myself. This is my life. This is my journey. I have had the strength to get me to this point and know I will have the strength to get me to/through the next point. God knows what we can handle. I am done trying to control what is way beyond my control in the first place.

Let the sun shine in. Let the darkness fade away.

I CAN AND I WILL.
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23 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 19, 2010 at 11:38 PM

    So sorry AF showed. That totally sucks. You have a great attitude about it though. Best wishes going ahead.

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  2. AmberJuly 20, 2010 at 1:36 AM

    You're an amazingly strong woman. Look at the revelations you're having on the same day she showed up. Make sure you give yourself credit for that, okay? Even when you feel beaten down, you're amazing. :)

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  3. AnonymousJuly 20, 2010 at 8:21 AM

    So sorry she arrived, but I love your attitude. You can do this and you rock.

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  4. GurleeJuly 20, 2010 at 10:00 AM

    I am sorry that AF showed, what a bitch.
    But you, my friend are amazing! I support you and know you will reach your goal!! Take as much time as you need away from us, but please come back soon so we can support you.

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  5. KellyJuly 20, 2010 at 10:56 AM

    ****! I'm so sorry she arrived and I'm sorry you're one of the ones that has to wait, pay, and endure physical torture for a baby. It sucks. I love your attitude though and you are an inspiration to me! You always help me keep myself in check.

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  6. myinfertilitywoesJuly 20, 2010 at 11:08 AM

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. But you have an amazing attitude about it, and honestly, you're helping me to put it in perspective and 'buck up'. I know, not easy, but thanks for the encouragement! And I hope your words can continue to encourage you!

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  7. madrecitaJuly 21, 2010 at 11:08 AM

    Brilliant post! It is hard going through these times I know! Have you considered IVF? IUI starts to get expensive after awhile....

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  8. hopeisafourletterwordJuly 21, 2010 at 5:25 PM

    Happy ICLW! Love this post, I feel the same way. I too am trying to have a more positive attitude. I look forward to following your journey and wish you luck with your next cycle!

    ~ICLW 110

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  9. SaraJuly 21, 2010 at 10:18 PM

    Thanks to all of you for your support! This positivity is working! I feel happier due to choosing my attitude every morning when I wake up. :)

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  10. HollyJuly 21, 2010 at 10:20 PM

    So sorry that AF showed but I love your determination! you're so right, you can and you WILL!

    ICLW #101

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  11. AnonymousJuly 21, 2010 at 10:40 PM

    You have such a strong attitude.. I'm so sorry for the failed IUI...it's just not fair! But you are strong and you can choose your own attitude just like you said. You will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight. Sincerely, Evie :)

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  12. ~stinkb0mb~July 22, 2010 at 7:43 AM

    I'm sorry that this was a failed cycle BUT you have a truly fantastic attitude, keep it and it will help for any bumps in the road.

    ICLW
    #41
    http://themissruby.blogspot.com/

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  13. MBCJuly 22, 2010 at 5:55 PM

    AF is a dirty, rotten biotch! So sorry she showed up on your doorstep.

    I love your attitude! IF makes us all do things we don't want to do, but we push through and do what we have to.

    Best of luck with IUI#4.

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  14. KellyJuly 23, 2010 at 7:37 AM

    I'm sorry that AF showed up but your attitude is inspiring. (((HUGS)))

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  15. Terry ElisabethJuly 23, 2010 at 5:21 PM

    I applaud your determination !
    It takes courage to go through all that. When I hit bumps, having a list of good things to think about helps me see eveything is not drak and twisty. I make one every Monday.
    Kick AF in the shins will ya ? She keeps getting lost on her way over and she shows up late expecting tea and cookies. Tsk.
    Happy ICLW

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  16. KrissiJuly 23, 2010 at 6:17 PM

    I LOVE this post! Your strength and resolve is inspiring! I am sorry about your BFN! I too remember going through that (for IVF) and jumping right into another cycle. Moving forward seems to be the sure fire way of not looking back and feeling sorry for yourself! I can totally relate!
    But I have also been sucessful and I now blog to help others get through it, writing from my own experiences. I just added your link and I'm your newest follower! Happy ICLW (#45 & 46)

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  17. StephanieJuly 23, 2010 at 7:43 PM

    So sorry to hear that your IUI was not successful. I will have my first one next cycle and I am super nervous that it will be money wasted. I hope that's not the case and that you get your BFP soon!

    ICLW #117

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  18. AnonymousJuly 24, 2010 at 6:03 PM

    I'm very sorry about AF showing, but what an amazing attitude and well said. It's that kind of strength that will carry you through.

    Happy ICLW!

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  19. christineJuly 25, 2010 at 2:10 PM

    I think your determination is fantastic! I've felt the same way during this journey, that I can and will reach my goal!! So, best of luck to you!

    ICLW #27

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  20. BrownirisJuly 25, 2010 at 4:54 PM

    I'm so sorry that AF came to visit. It sounds like you are trying to have a really great attitude about everything...gl on your journey!

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  21. LiddyJuly 26, 2010 at 10:30 AM

    I hate that bitch. I hope you get a BFP soon.

    An ICLW Visit from #107 (mfi, speedskating, strength)
    liddy @ the unfair struggle

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  22. JustinaJuly 26, 2010 at 2:10 PM

    I so admire your attitude on all of this! That's something that I've been struggling with too lately and it definitely is something that you have to set your mind to do.
    I'm your newest follower, I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

    ICLW #161

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  23. Ashlee G.July 27, 2010 at 11:57 PM

    Keep positive and I hope you'll get your BFP soon!

    ICLW #50

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