Our little secret...

I know I have not shown my face around here in quite a while but this is going to be quite a simple and short post......

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am actually 14 weeks and 3 days along. Our due date is March 7th.

We have heard the heartbeat and had our first ultrasound.....this is the most beautiful thing we have ever experienced. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows but that doesn't matter at all.

We are here. We are trying to soak it all up. We certainly are beyond blessed.....no treatments, no meds, no doctors - just a complete surprise.

We are having fun trying to choose a name....we have a while until we can find out our baby's gender but we thought we would try to be ahead of the game....so if anyone has suggestions throw them out there!

I just thought I would update for those of you who have been wondering.

What a miracle.....our hearts are happy.

What an adventure. We are beyond grateful for the gift we have been given.

ABC 123 :)

Thanks to all of the fabulous women who have shared so many thoughts with this post....thought I would give it a shot. :)

A to Z of TTC

A. Age when you started TTC: 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex (haven't ever been the greatest dancer)

C. Children wanted: I will no longer put an expectation on this - planning hasn't worked out thus far!

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two dogs - Lucy & Mickey. Lucy is an Australian Shepherd and Mickey is a Border Collie. They are flippin' awesome and definitely entertain us. As far as fill in children, all of my students are work do this for me every single day. Every single day.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatals.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Follistim

G. Gain: I have gained some headaches and hopefully a lot of wisdom.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): March 2010 - everything was clear but holy crap balls was that painful!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "Oh just stop trying, relax, and it will happen." Really?

J. Job title: Teacher (I have waited so long to have that job title. Love it!!!!)

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Refer to my job title: teacher - and my husband is a teacher - we are screwed no matter what. Somewhere along the line at least one kid has ruined every name for us. We will just have to be really creative someday!

L. Length of time TTC: Over 2 and a half years

M. Miscarriages: none

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: One time - our first RE was not very advanced in the treatments he could offer us. Nice guy - but we graduated from the basics a long time ago!

O. Ovarian quality: Do we ever really know this for sure?

P. POAS or wait for AF: Have tried both....I like waiting for a period more but POAS always gives a good heads up.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: I got nothin' here!

S. Sperm: Good to go in this department. :)

T. Time you tried naturally: A long time - don't really feel like thinking this hard! At least this involves sex!

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as I know. The quality and quantity are both good.

V. Vagina: Yes, I have one of those.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Just some clothes that my hubby's aunt and uncle passed to us like 2 years ago. It is just collecting dust in garbage bags in the basement. Other than that, too dangerous for me to be collecting baby stuff.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? As of last May - no one. As of today - anyone and everyone who asks - freedom to talk about has been refreshing (even though I have wanted to slap a couple of people!) Most people who know though have kind of shied away and don't really ask us too much about it.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yes, this is essential for every woman. Even though I have exposed my lady parts to multiple people year round, I still get the check up.

Z. Zits: Ya I have some of those. Usually brought on by stress so these pop up from time to time! :)


This was fun to do. If you made it down this far, congratulations! I tried to keep it light hearted! :)

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

Hi all! Still here! It seems as though I have not posted in forever! I am still checking in on you all....not always commenting but just know that doesn't mean I care any less. I wish this post would find you all reading something that said "surprise" we're pregnant - but we are not. I wish this post had more positivity in it - but it doesn't. I wish I could just take the pain away that my husband and I are experiencing. Where is that damn genie in a bottle when I need him anyway?
I really don't have much to write about today. I have a lot to say but writing just hasn't been doing it for me lately. Bottom line is - still on a break from trying to conceive. Still trying to search my soul for some answers - but most of the time I have to keep reminding myself to just live out the answers.

Still working on getting my groove back. Still working on finding the drive to push forward with infertility treatments. Since February I have lost 16 pounds....I feel healthier than I have in a long time. But I also feel more damaged than I have ever been - I try not to show that to the outside real world though. I am really not sure when I will feel healed and ready to start trying again. Has anyone experienced this? It is like I have completely shut off a switch for pregnancy. I just don't want to have anything to do with it right now. Does it come back? Does the drive to try again ever come back? I feel so unfair to my husband - I am the one putting on the brakes. This is not his choice. I feel selfish but know it is what I need right now. I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow.

So for now I am just trying to focus on finding small things that make me happy. I just signed up to coach a little league softball team. It should be a great time.

This post for some reason reminds me of a song from Annie - I hope she is right.

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

Getting My Groove Back...

I apologize for my absence lately. I am even more sorry that I have not been commenting on all of your posts. Please don't take it to heart. I think about all of you a lot and send you positive vibes.

After my period showed up early March after our first month of trying naturally after our lap, I kind of put up a HUGE wall. It was like I just shut something off inside of me. I was pissed off. Not really even sad or upset....just pissed off.

So after many difficult and selfish conversations, my hubby and I have decided to take this month off from trying. I just don't have it in me this month. Maybe it is because if our next natural cycle fails, we move on to IVF. Am I trying to push that off? Maybe it is because I just don't have the emotional energy to try.

I have decided that this month I am not going to let my life be defined by trying to get pregnant. This month is dedicated to feeling like me again and getting my groove back. I already feel rejuvenated. I think my main goal of this month is to miss trying to get pregnant. I need to miss the want for a child. Right now it feels as though it is taking over my life. I can't predict what next month will bring, but I can say that no matter what I will be stronger. So for now, I will not be blogging. A large part of getting to feeling refreshed is stepping away from all of this (definitely easier said than done) The sun was shining today and I haven't felt this free in a while. I feel like this month is for catching my breath. We have been running for quite some time now and I just need to take a pause and catch my breath. I think it's what any smart marathon runner would do!

Breathe in, breathe out, it will all work out.

Kicked IF in the butt yesterday

Baby showers. The dreaded event for an infertile woman. Yesterday I attended one of my best friend's baby showers. Was it easy? No. But I did kick infertility in the butt yesterday and told it to shut it's loud mouth and go away for a day. It worked.

I did have a slight moment of panic about 20 minutes before the shower but thankfully through text messages a good friend talked me through it. I met up with another friend before the shower so I didn't have to show up by myself.

Two of my friends that were also college roommates that live way out of town also came. It was so nice to see them and I even got to meet one of my friend's babies. I had a lot of fun playing with her and getting to know such a beautiful spirit....my friend is an adorable mom. A natural!

Overall, I was super proud of myself for pushing myself to go to this shower. (Yes I am totally giving myself props here!) My friend who's shower it was gave me the most sincere thank you hug right when I walked in the door for being there. She texted me again after the shower thanking me for coming. Ya I think that made it worth it. I am so thankful to her for recognizing the effort. But really this is a shower I would not have allowed myself to miss. Sure, it tore at my heart a little bit to see all of the cute frog pajamas, and blue elephant stuff animal, and cute socks and booties....but yesterday it was not about me. It was not about the fact that I do not have a baby yet. Yesterday was about my very good friend and the new joy that is about to be brought into her life in May. I am so very glad that I got to celebrate that with her.

An Icy ICLW

Another snow day!!!! Well, I should say an "ice day." Good ol' Michigan weather gave us another day off of work today. I have posted some pics of our icy madness at the bottom of this post. We lost power through the night and got it back about 10:00 this morning - thank goodness because it was getting really cold in our house. February sure wants to go out with a bang here!

Now onto more important things....HAPPY ICLW! I made so many great connections last month through ICLW and am looking forward to connecting with more incredible women. You all never cease to amaze me!

For those of you who are new here, I will give you a quick break down of our story:
- Started dating in September 2002
- Married December 2006
- Started trying to conceive August 2008
- 1 year of trying naturally
- 3 months of just plain clomid
- 5 IUI's (all BFN's)
- tried naturally in between the IUI cycles
- 1 laparoscopy (removed stage 2 endometriosis from behind my right ovary)

Bottom line is, more than 2 and a half years of trying and we are still not pregnant. My lap was in January and the doctor told us to try naturally for a few months (hoping something magical happens here!) If we are not successful we are looking at starting IVF this spring.

We do not have a baby yet but we are still alive. We are still breathing. We are healthy and happy with so many other things in our lives. Some days it seems as though I am suffocating underneath the infertility blanket but most days I just try to not let it define me (easier said than done, right?)

For now we are just continuing to walk this journey hand in hand. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
When I was in the car today I heard an old song that really hit a trigger with me. Do any of you remember Des'ree? I have posted some lyrics from her song "You Gotta Be."

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my hey, hey, hey
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Love will save the day....what a powerful statement. I truly believe this. My Grandpa has been in a nursing home due to a stroke since the beginning of December. Whenever I ask my Grandma how she is holding up with all of this all she ever says to me is: "Sara, I don't have a choice." She is such an amazing woman and I have taken those words to heart with my life. To my husband and I, we don't have a choice. We will just continue to roll with what life brings us, what God gives us. We are following the logical steps, in our opinion. We all may do this differently, but this blog is about the journey my husband and I are on. Feel free to follow and stay awhile and walk with us on this path to who knows what.

My mantra throughout all of this has been to repeat to myself: CALM AND STRONG. Des'ree's lyrics remind me of this. You gotta be tougher than you thought you could, you gotta be stronger than you ever imagined was possible.

Now for some pictures of our hard, crunchy ice and yet again winter wonderland....


It may be hard to see, but we have 1/4 inch to 1/2 inch of ice on our trees and power lines. These pics are all from my yard, but our poor neighborhood lost many trees, branches, and power lines. Spring is on the way, right? :)


It is windy too, and when I was standing outside I could
hear all of the ice cracking on the branches.

I got bored this morning without power so I got a little camera crazy! These are a few pictures of my pups today...thought I would share!

Any Bitch Can Fake It

Just put on your happy face!

That is how I am feeling lately. I am tired of putting on my happy face. I am just tired of pretending at work and with friends and family that everything is hunky dory. (Not sure if that is how you spell that little phrase but we'll just go with it!) It seems like a full time job these days to put on the front that everything is okay. Even people who are aware of our infertility seem to expect the "normal Sara." Geez people cut me some slack once in a while! We saw both of our families this weekend and not one person asked us how we are doing. Am I expecting too much? My boss at work even has called me out on a few occasions and has told me that I am not the same person I was a year ago and he has told me in a joking fashion that I am too uptight lately. This really makes me sad because that is just not my personality at all (well at least I hope not.) I just don't know how to get back to the normal Sara. I don't think there is going back after this. Just moving forward. But right now we really aren't moving at all. We are just stuck without a paddle waiting for something to pull us to shore. Even though my husband shouldn't have to, he at least understands that some days I just want to sulk and be upset and let my feelings show.

I guess I just have to keep reminding myself: "Suck it up, Sally!" One of my favorite quotes is -
"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours right back." I truly believe in that. We are given what God knows we can handle.

I don't really have much to say today but kind of felt the need to vent about being tired. Somebody splash some water on my face and wake me up!

50 - What I Didn't Know

This is officially my 50th post. For some reason it feels as though I have written many more than that! I know 50 doesn't seem like a lot but it is exciting to me to compare the Sara in May to the Sara now. Back in May of last year I decided that I would start this blog to have a way to vent about my infertility. This is my list of things that I did not know 50 posts ago.....

- I didn't know I would still not be pregnant right now.
- I didn't know my sister would be engaged, my brother in law engaged, and three of my good friends would be pregnant well before I am...other people's lives are moving forward while our feet are still stuck in the mud.
- I didn't know I would have to give myself shots in the stomach - like a lot of them!
- I didn't know it wouldn't bother me after a while to give myself a shot. No big deal (well at first it was - kind of get used to it!)
- I didn't know we would do 3 more IUI's which would make 5 total and still not be successful.
- I didn't know I would have surgery to figure this shit out.
- I didn't know I would lose complete faith in trying naturally.
- I didn't know that IVF would ever be on our radar let alone right around the corner.
- I didn't know a fabulous RE would come into my life and make my husband and I feel very comfortable about the choices we have made and guide us through to where we are today.
- I didn't know that the receptionists at the fertility center would know us by name.

- I didn't know I would meet so many wonderful, amazing, inspiring, and supportive women through my blog - seriously you all are truly freaking awesome.
- I didn't know my husband and I would be strong enough to get to the point we are today.
- I didn't know I could connect to the core of my soul with my husband. Infertility really takes a marriage to depths of understanding that only fellow infertiles I think could really get.

- I didn't know that this blog would end up not just being about venting. Boy was I wrong about that back in May. This blog means so much more to me than I ever could have guessed. This blog has brought me friendship, support, laughter, and best of all connections with other women who share similar paths. It has allowed me to document our journey. I have learned so much from all of you who are out there continuing your own journeys.

I realize that being kind, empathetic, nurturing, and understanding is so important because everyone we encounter is fighting some kind of battle. My battle just happens to be infertility. My infertility just happens to make me think a lot. My thinking just happens to make me want to write. My writing just happens to occur on this blog. So THANK YOU to everyone who has been an incredible support to my writing and experience. I am forever grateful for this blog and all of the things I never knew it would bring me. I am forever grateful to all of you who continue to cheer us on.

Sexual Healing

Warning: This post is about sex, orgasms, and more sex. Feel free to skip reading this one if that stuff makes your skin crawl (but since most of us have been there done that I figured it wouldn't be a big problem to write about it!)

Something I haven't written much about on here is the pain I have during sex. It is always on my right side and seems to be by my right ovary. Although I enjoy sex with my husband, I tend to always cringe every time due to the fact that it flippin hurts for the majority of the time. It seems as though something is going to pop or burst on my right side. I usually end up having to tell my husband: "Not so hard, or slow down, or be careful!" Imagine how sexy that is to a man who just wants to make love to his wife, not hurt her. This routine has been going on for many years but I have never really thought too far into it. Just kind of figured that it is normal pain.

Fast forward to today (which happens to be another snow day for both of us - sorry to all of you who had to go to work.) our first attempt at sex since before my laparoscopy. Our first attempt at sex since before the endometriosis was removed from behind my RIGHT ovary. HOLY CRAP BATMAN! It did NOT hurt today! Right in the middle of our baby making session I starting crying because it did not hurt anymore. We were very cautious with this rendevous today since I was worried about having fragile lady parts due to only being 3 weeks out from surgery. Not only were my lady parts not fragile - they are fixed! (Just to insert a side note here - does endometriosis affect orgasms b/c I think today felt like the 4th of July fireworks!) Sorry if that is too much information - but remember I did warn you about the contents of this post! Ha ha!

Once I propped a pillow under my hips after we were done I just started bawling. I was a blubbering mess. The tears were flowing because I was just so excited to not have that pain anymore. The tears were flowing because I didn't have to use my hips to block my husband from hurting me anymore. I just can't believe it. The pain for all of those years was the endo. Now it is gone and my sexual healing can start.

Today also marked the first attempt at baby making this month. I think the tears reached my cheeks today because of that too. I don't trust this thing called sex - at least from the viewpoint of trying to get pregnant. It has hurt us many times before and I just felt incredibly vulnerable today. Here we are again getting our hopes up that this could be the month. But at least this month it feels good! :)

P.S. Sorry Chad for writing about this - I couldn't help it though because I am just so excited! :)

Winter Wonderland

When I was a kid I remember my mom waking my sister and I up just to tell us it was a snow day and to go back to sleep. Since we would get too excited about this we never would be able to fall back asleep. I think as an adult and as a teacher I am worse about snow days than I was as a kid! So apparently there is this "HUGE, HISTORIC, MASSIVE, STATE OF EMERGENCY" blizzard type of thing heading our way in Michigan. Are any of you getting this storm too? Snow day???????? YES - YES - YES!!!!!

I just happened to be at a meeting all day at our district's administration building and we kept joking with our superintendent about having a snow day. She just kept telling us all day to make sure we have our phones turned up in the morning just in case. On our way out the door at the end of our meeting about 3:30 we interrupted her conversation on the phone and she told us it is officially a snow day tomorrow! Woo hoo!

You couldn't see me just then but I was jumping up and down in the middle of my living room! I don't even have to wear my pajamas inside out or say "Boom Boom for snow" before I fall asleep to make a snow day happen - it is here!
I can't wait for someday when Chad and I have kids and we all get to stay home and be cozy inside from the snow. I will wake them up just like my mom did and tell them to go back to sleep (only to hope that they will get out of bed too because they are just too excited!)

Well I am off to go make some snow angels in the backyard!

The Official Red Folder

I had my post-op appointment today with Dr. Y today. I passed the test! I can now lift more than twenty pounds and I am now cleared to insert things into my vagina. Thank goodness about the vagina part because I started my period on Wednesday and wearing pads made me feel like I was back in 7th grade. I felt so self-conscious at work yesterday wondering all day if someone could tell I was wearing a pad or if I was leaking (sorry TMI!) I guess the vagina thing also means I can have sex! This works out really well because we obviously can't be successful with this whole trying naturally gig if we couldn't do the tango.

Here are a few notes from my appointment today:
- Dr. Y went over my pictures again. Boy am I glad that he knew what he was seeing because I certainly was a little lost.
- He talked to me about trying naturally for three months and I said we would like to just do that for two months and then move on. I think my official words were "Well, trying naturally, we have kind of been there done that and it hasn't work for us. I don't really trust it. We are ready to move on and forward." He then asked if we wanted meds to regulate my cycle. I mentioned to him that I was not a fan of Clomid even though my cycles were very regular when I was on it. We ended up just deciding to do these next two cycles unmedicated. I asked him to be really up front with me about our chances with trying these next few months. I told him that at this point in the game getting my hopes too up is a really dangerous thing. He was very honest and ended up just saying that he wouldn't fall out of his chair if I called him next month and said we were pregnant but just prepare myself for what the next steps will be if we aren't successful.
- Dr. Y then went over the plan for if we are not successful in these next two months. IVF.
- He stepped out for a minute and there it was: The official red IVF folder. (I will now refer to the folder as Big Red just to lighten the mood a bit!) I even said to him when he walked back in with it: "Wow, that is official." I am glad he gets/appreciates my sense of humor.
- Before I left I just thanked him for all he has done for my husband and I. I told him how much I appreciated the job well done with the surgery and that he and the partner in his practice are just doing an awesome thing for women every day. I think he was caught off guard because he was very appreciative of those words and said that he doesn't usually hear that stuff from someone who has not been successful yet. I guess I just needed him to know that they continue to give us hope.

So I guess the bottom line of this appointment is: the pressure is on! These next two months are pretty crucial for us. If we don't get pregnant in the next two months we will be entering into the unknown world of IVF. I take all of this very seriously and know that path will require a lot from us. Every step of the way in these past two and a half years has just been preparing us for this point in our journey. I have some hope that this could work in the next two months but I also consider myself a pretty realistic person. Just the fact that Dr. Y told me he doesn't think doing injectibles and IUI again would work for us tells me that trying naturally probably won't either. Like I said before...been there done that. We will try and who knows what can happen.

That red folder keeps staring at me. It is very intimidating and has a lot of information in it. Can we do this? Can we afford this? I am feeling a little overwhelmed today even though we have had in the back of our minds for quite some time that this was going to happen. I also have to keep in mind that IVF is not a magical answer either. There is no saying that we would be successful in our first attempt. We can only hope and dream. CALM AND STRONG.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. But today all I know is I have a lot of reading to do. Big Red is awaiting me.

Happy January ICLW!

I am so excited to be doing ICLW this time around! One of the many things I am grateful for from starting this blog, is the connections I have built with people and now friends. The infertility support system is awesome...it amazes me how just people's words can comfort, heal, protect, show compassion, provide strength, and pick each other up on the worst days. So thanks to all of you who I have already connected with on a regular basis. I hope I do for you what you do for me! This ICLW I would love to connect with more people. I love learning through other people's experiences and sharing ideas regarding infertility or just life in general.

Infertility has done funny things to me - I never thought I would get used to so many people examining my female anatomy or get used to putting my feet in stirrups so regularly. I never thought I would be able to give myself a shot but now I can stick myself like a champ. I never thought I would have to have so many doctors and nurses involved in getting me pregnant - it is weird to have so many people invited into my husband and my bedroom. I never thought it would take us this long to get pregnant, but here we are - we are surviving and we will continue to hold our heads high. I guess these things just come with the territory - so now when a nurse or doctor asks me to drop my pants I already have them off before they even have a chance to ask! Let's do this people!

Feel free to check out our timeline on the lower left. Just a quick overview: My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for two and a half years now. 3 months of plain clomid, 5 IUI's, etc. and many disappointing months later - we are still not pregnant. I just had my first laparoscopy a week ago. My fabulous RE did find stage 2 endo behind my right ovary. Is that the magical answer to our infertility problems? No. But it will allow us to try to get pregnant naturally for a few months with a little more hope than usual. So join along on this crazy ride. Hope with me! :)

For some reason I know that my husband and I are meant to go through all of this (you may be thinking - "What, is she crazy?" :) We are stronger and more empathetic people. As a couple, I feel we are more deeply connected than I ever thought we would be. I just can't imagine how it will feel once we bring a new life into this world. For now, we will just keep on trying. We will keep on hoping that the next month will be it. Some days I feel like crap and want to hibernate (especially lately since it is winter and I live in Michigan!) Other days I feel motivated....motivated to tell our story, motivated to provide hope and strength for other people going through the same thing, motivated to prove to myself that even when I don't think I have an ouce of energy left to put into this, that I can dig deep down and find the strength to continue. It has not been a fun journey every step of the way but it has been a learning one. I guess I just can't wait to see how this turns out! :)

The 'In Between' is the hardest

Here we are...waiting again to do something to change our infertility status. We are in between trying and not trying. We are not in treatments and we are not trying (please refer to my last post about not being able to insert anything into my vagina for two weeks according to my discharge nurse for my lap!) We are just kind of stuck in the middle of no where. BFE (Big Fat Endometriosis) has caused us to take a brief intermission from trying. Please come back after you have taken a bathroom break and helped yourself to any refreshments. ;)

Ever since we have included more people in our circle of trust, I have never figured out why family members and friends are invisible during the times that don't include meds, procedures, or surgeries. I was talking to a good friend of mine about it the other day, and she said she doesn't want to upset us by bringing it up. I told her that Chad and I are more than willing to talk about our struggles but probably won't bring it up ourselves. So there lies the problem - no one wants to initiate conversations about our infertility! I think I need to communicate to our sometimes invisible support system that we are going to have bad days regardless of if someone brings up our issues or not. Having people feel comfortable talking to us makes us feel supported and loved - and that is really what keeps us going on some of the darkest days. Talk about it! Ask us how we are doing. Show interest and see what our next steps are or ask us how we are doing while in the two week wait, or how are you doing during the in between time. My husband and I are both teachers and maybe we need to educate our friends and family on the ins and outs of dealing with an infertile couple! We don't bite! I promise!

I was really proud of my husband today because he talked to some of his co-workers about our situation. He came out of the infertility closet! It is never easy to open yourself up to the possibilities of feeling vulnerable. Go hubby! :) In case you are wondering - yes, I am done being corny (for now!)

Stuck in the middle. I feel like we are on a surfboard just waiting for that next big wave to take us to shore. Our next step (believe it or not) is to try naturally! Yes, I am thankful for those words and the chance that we could get pregnant this way, but I certainly don't trust it. The natural way has let us down so many times and has shoved its' middle finger in our faces more times than we could handle. But then again, deep down inside of me is this little box of hope that has been sealed shut for quite some time - this could actually work. Oh, hope, please creep out of that box. We have a plan in case this whole "naturally" thing doesn't work - but wouldn't it just be wicked awesome if it did?

Stuck in between. Stuck waiting. CALM AND STRONG (I just have to keep reminding myself of this.)

Loopy Laparoscopy

Blessed is how I am feeling right now. First of all, thanks to everyone for your encouraging words on my last post before surgery - you girls help to keep me going. I am very thankful for your support. I remember when I got into the post-op room after recovery, just telling Chad how thankful I am. I was terrified to go through with this surgery. Now it is crossed off of our check list. Now it is just another part of our infertility journey. This is probably going to be a long post because I really am trying to focus lately on documenting our experiences. Feel free to stop reading if you need to go get a snack or a drink of water! If you would like to just see how surgery went, jump down to the part in bold letters.

We left the house about 8:50 yesterday morning. We didn't have to be up to the hospital until 10:30 and we had an hour drive in front of us. Chad stopped at a store to get a couple of magazines for the waiting room. Once we were up in Grand Rapids, we were at a stoplight waiting to turn left and the lady in front of us backed into our car because she was trying to make room for a bus that was trying to turn. Long story short, we called the police and ended up getting it taken care of in a timely manner...everyone was fine, just a little paint on our car from hers and a few scratches. We ended up getting to the hospital at 10:36. No one seemed to care that we were 6 minutes late! :)

I just have to say that I am so impressed with the way we were treated at the hospital. We stopped at the information desk to get directions to the outpatient surgery unit and instead of just telling us where to go, a lady actually walked us all the way there! We sat in the waiting room probably 5 minutes and the first nurse came to get us. She brought us into a room where I had to get changed into my beautiful pastel colored hospital gown and then made me go pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. I ended up joking with my doctor later on right before surgery asking if the pregnancy test came back positive so I didn't have to go through with the surgery! By the way, the gray slippers with white striped grippers on both sides that they gave me were quite fashionable! They really know how to make a girl feel glamorous for surgery!

A short while later, another nurse came in to get me registered and double check history, etc. Someone else came in during that same time to get a blood sample for some test the doctor wanted done. Easy squeazy. It was 11:45 and the nurse told us if someone didn't come to get me in 35 minutes to press the red button (wow, the power!) 32 minutes later - almost got to press the red button - a nurse came to whisk me away! Off we went to the holding room for surgery. Another nurse came and put in my iv for fluids. My doctor came to see me at the point and checked to see how we were. I made him show me his hands to make sure they were steady! When we asked him how he was doing he said he wanted a Coke really bad but the free pop machine for doctors was Pepsi. I found this really funny b/c he said he wasn't willing to pay a $1 for the Coke that he really wanted! The anesthesiologist came in to meet me too. They both left and then two nurses came in to take me to the operating room. Of course, I gave my hubby a big smooch before going into surgery. One of the nurses had given me a relaxer at this point and boy was I feeling it!

Surgery room = holy cow technology! It seemed as though there were lights, cameras, televisions, more lights, everywhere! It was quite the scene! At this time I was a little loose from the relaxer so maybe this room wasn't really as cool as I thought it was! The nurses introduced me to a few more people in the room and I asked if I would see my doctor again before I went sleepy pie. They said no, but sure enough he came in just then and the last thing I remember was him rubbing my arm putting me to sleep! I thought that was very nice of him b/c he knows I am a worry wart. (Although I did an awesome job yesterday at keeping my cool - even my hubby said so! Apparently I wore my big girl panties yesterday!)

I woke up in the recovery room and remember being in a lot of pain. The nurse was right there giving me more meds. They said I was in the recovery room for an hour. They ended up putting oxygen tubes in my nose - man was I feeling sexy. I think that Glamour magazine ended up coming in and taking a picture of me in my hairnet, no makeup, tubes, and gown for the February cover. When they wheeled me back down to the post-op room, Chad met us in the hallway. He told me that I said to him: Well, you missed my one hour of loopiness! All I remember is winking at him when I first saw him. Boy was I glad to see those big, brown eyes of his.

Back in post-op room, the nurse brought me crackers and Sprite! It was about 3:30 by the time I got back to that room and I had not had anything to eat or drink all day. I gobbled that stuff right up! Chad made the phone calls and text messages to family and friends to let them know I was out of surgery and back from the recovery room. He then told me that he talked to our doctor about how surgery went.....

My doc ended up finding Stage 2 Endometriosis on some of the tissue behind my right ovary. Holy crap I can't believe they found something! Chad said that he was able to remove all of it. I have one incision 2 inches below my belly button and then an incision right in my belly button (that one kind of weirds me out!) He didn't say this was a magical answer or anything, but did say that a lot of times this can play a role in infertility. Then he told Chad that we should try naturally for the next few rounds to see if this was the cause. WHAT???? TRY NATURALLY???? What the hell is that? I think we might have forgotten how to do that! Just kidding.

About after an hour in that room they told me I could go home. A nurse guided my wobbly legs to the bathroom - I ran right into the door on my way there! Oops! It was then that I realized I had a big pad shoved between my legs in case there was any bleeding. Then the nurse gave me a fresh pair of hospital underwear. Wow, granny panties and a huge pad. I felt great! Thankfully, I had no bleeding at all. She called for a wheelchair and a guy came and wheeled me all the way to our car door. Now that is service! :)

I slept the entire hour home and most of the night. Today I gave in about 5:00 and went to fill my pain meds order. Whew, I am hurting today. I took 2 naps after probably being up and around too much. Pain meds = me feeling much better. :) For now, I am just trying to lounge around to allow myself time to heal. My incisions are glued shut and that should go away in about a week they said. My post-op appointment is set for January 27th. Until then, I am just going to make sure I don't insert anything into vagina (the discharge nurse literally told me that - you should not insert anything into your vagina until you see the doctor for the post op appointment) Thanks for that information! I am guessing this means tampons too, so when my period shows up I will have to go get some comfortable pads!

I am just so excited that the lap is over. I am so thankful that we have such a good doctor. He really has restored my hope. I am very grateful for my husband who has been by my side these past few days. I am one lucky girl.

We may still have a very long journey ahead of us and the realistic side of me is still sitting on my shoulder telling me to protect my emotions and feelings and not get too far ahead of myself, but today I am feeling confident and content with the results of the surgery. I kept repeating my mantra to myself yesterday - CALM AND STRONG - it worked. :)

Safe and Sound

Hi All! Just wanted to let everyone know I am back home safe and sound from the laparoscopy. I will do a real post about it probably tomorrow. I am still a little loopy! My hope has been restored! :)

Just around the corner...

My laparoscopy is this Wednesday. Two days of work and then it will be here. I am busy trying to get substitute teacher plans together for this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It is always hard to do sub plans and try to tell someone else how to be me in my classroom! One day is weird enough but three days of sub plans is proving to be interesting.

Right now I am just trying to keep my mind busy to pass the time away. I saw my RE on Thursday for my pre-op appointment and he helped me to feel a little bit more calm about things. He is the definition of calm. It seems as though not much phases him.

Now I just have to remember to not take my vitamins, stay away from paid meds (which I usually do anyway), not eat cottage cheese, on the day of surgery don't use: lotion, makeup, jewelry, perfume, wedding ring, etc.

I can do this. (I guess this post is kind of my pep talk!) :)

Cheers to 2011

I haven't felt the need to write here in a long while. I think the Christmas season provided enough distractions that it helped me manage to get by. Not sure if anyone is even interested in listening to what I have to say anymore but I need to write. I am sorry that I have been a horrible blogger lately. No need to state all of my lame excuses.

Usually the start of a new year brings me feelings of excitement, hope, and expectations of myself. Usually I get really pumped about starting fresh with many things in my life.

This year I could care less. To be quite honest, I am not doing very well lately. Depression has taken its toll on me and my poor husband has to put up with it. I feel so bad because I am able to put on my happy face for the most part out in public but at home I have just been really quiet. I don't have that spark in me right now. I don't have the energy to keep up with everyday things. I am just plain mad. Mad at the world. Mad at the fact that we are still dealing with infertility. Mad because I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow. Mad because I had to see my newly pregnant friend last night who just happened to get pregnant by 'let's just see what happens.' Mad because I am nervous about the upcoming laparoscopy in a few weeks. Mad because I am mad. As you can tell, I am just flat out sick of it. Sick of infertility. I am just feeling like I can't keep up.

I guess my husband and I are back to feeling like we really are alone in this adventure. We were really glad for quite some time that we shared all of this with some of our family members. Now, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? No one asks us how we are doing. No one mentioned anything about how hard the holidays must be on us. No one is cautious with their words about babies, pregnant people, etc. when we are around. It's almost as if our friends and family have forgotten about what we are going through. I am growing very bitter towards these family members who I feel should be there more for us. It seems as though everyone is just waiting for the day we tell them we are pregnant instead of being involved in our struggles with getting there. Does this go away? Do these feelings of resentment and anger towards people who know go away? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe they are just trying to respect our privacy. But come on, be there people!

Right now we are just waiting for our laparoscopy. It is scheduled for January 12th. I have my pre-op appointment this Thursday. I am nervous and excited about this surgery. Nervous because who likes to go through surgery. Excited because this could provide us with some answers.

Last Thursday (the 30th) was my husband and my 4th wedding anniversary. We have been together 8 and half years. Now that is something to celebrate!

I don't like to put unrealistic expectations on the new year. I thought it was funny over the holidays because one of my holidays cards to my hubby and I said "May all of your wishes in the upcoming year come true" and a toast at a dinner was about "dreams and wishes coming true." I don't think magically like this. I don't wish upon stars and dream about fairies and princesses magically making all of my wants come true. I do believe though in love and patience and having realistic goals. So cheers to 2011 and to staying realistic and hopeful.