Sunday, January 2, 2011

Cheers to 2011

I haven't felt the need to write here in a long while. I think the Christmas season provided enough distractions that it helped me manage to get by. Not sure if anyone is even interested in listening to what I have to say anymore but I need to write. I am sorry that I have been a horrible blogger lately. No need to state all of my lame excuses.

Usually the start of a new year brings me feelings of excitement, hope, and expectations of myself. Usually I get really pumped about starting fresh with many things in my life.

This year I could care less. To be quite honest, I am not doing very well lately. Depression has taken its toll on me and my poor husband has to put up with it. I feel so bad because I am able to put on my happy face for the most part out in public but at home I have just been really quiet. I don't have that spark in me right now. I don't have the energy to keep up with everyday things. I am just plain mad. Mad at the world. Mad at the fact that we are still dealing with infertility. Mad because I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow. Mad because I had to see my newly pregnant friend last night who just happened to get pregnant by 'let's just see what happens.' Mad because I am nervous about the upcoming laparoscopy in a few weeks. Mad because I am mad. As you can tell, I am just flat out sick of it. Sick of infertility. I am just feeling like I can't keep up.

I guess my husband and I are back to feeling like we really are alone in this adventure. We were really glad for quite some time that we shared all of this with some of our family members. Now, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? No one asks us how we are doing. No one mentioned anything about how hard the holidays must be on us. No one is cautious with their words about babies, pregnant people, etc. when we are around. It's almost as if our friends and family have forgotten about what we are going through. I am growing very bitter towards these family members who I feel should be there more for us. It seems as though everyone is just waiting for the day we tell them we are pregnant instead of being involved in our struggles with getting there. Does this go away? Do these feelings of resentment and anger towards people who know go away? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe they are just trying to respect our privacy. But come on, be there people!

Right now we are just waiting for our laparoscopy. It is scheduled for January 12th. I have my pre-op appointment this Thursday. I am nervous and excited about this surgery. Nervous because who likes to go through surgery. Excited because this could provide us with some answers.

Last Thursday (the 30th) was my husband and my 4th wedding anniversary. We have been together 8 and half years. Now that is something to celebrate!

I don't like to put unrealistic expectations on the new year. I thought it was funny over the holidays because one of my holidays cards to my hubby and I said "May all of your wishes in the upcoming year come true" and a toast at a dinner was about "dreams and wishes coming true." I don't think magically like this. I don't wish upon stars and dream about fairies and princesses magically making all of my wants come true. I do believe though in love and patience and having realistic goals. So cheers to 2011 and to staying realistic and hopeful.


  1. I hope the surgery goes swimmingly and you get some answers! I'm sorry you have been feeling down. Here's to a decent 2011... :)

  2. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling, I think we have all been there before. I like your statement about a realistic new year, I am not one for dreams and rainbows either.
    I had a lap last year so please contact me if you have any questions. It was not so bad and I was back to normal almost completely within a week. I am hoping this brings you some much needed answers.
    thinking of you...

  3. IF sucks and when the loved ones that you reach out to don't get it and/or disappear it can suck even more. I am sorry. It is so difficult, I am glad you are back writing, you can always find support and sisterhood here. Good luck with your lap.

  4. I'm sorry that you are down. I'm praying for you and hoping things turn around soon. :hugs:

  5. I hope the lap brings you some answers, and thereby maybe an easing of the depression. Good luck with it, and let us know how it goes when you are up for it, okay? Big HUGS.

  6. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with unsupportive people on top of everything else that infertility brings. I hate that people don't understand how HUGE it is that you share this part of your life with them. I think most people just don't know what to say so they choose to say nothing... or something REALLY stupid like 'you can have one of mine'
    I hope the lap bring some peace and understanding to your struggle. Thinking of you, friend!