I haven't felt the need to write here in a long while. I think the Christmas season provided enough distractions that it helped me manage to get by. Not sure if anyone is even interested in listening to what I have to say anymore but I need to write. I am sorry that I have been a horrible blogger lately. No need to state all of my lame excuses.
Usually the start of a new year brings me feelings of excitement, hope, and expectations of myself. Usually I get really pumped about starting fresh with many things in my life.
This year I could care less. To be quite honest, I am not doing very well lately. Depression has taken its toll on me and my poor husband has to put up with it. I feel so bad because I am able to put on my happy face for the most part out in public but at home I have just been really quiet. I don't have that spark in me right now. I don't have the energy to keep up with everyday things. I am just plain mad. Mad at the world. Mad at the fact that we are still dealing with infertility. Mad because I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow. Mad because I had to see my newly pregnant friend last night who just happened to get pregnant by 'let's just see what happens.' Mad because I am nervous about the upcoming laparoscopy in a few weeks. Mad because I am mad. As you can tell, I am just flat out sick of it. Sick of infertility. I am just feeling like I can't keep up.
I guess my husband and I are back to feeling like we really are alone in this adventure. We were really glad for quite some time that we shared all of this with some of our family members. Now, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY? No one asks us how we are doing. No one mentioned anything about how hard the holidays must be on us. No one is cautious with their words about babies, pregnant people, etc. when we are around. It's almost as if our friends and family have forgotten about what we are going through. I am growing very bitter towards these family members who I feel should be there more for us. It seems as though everyone is just waiting for the day we tell them we are pregnant instead of being involved in our struggles with getting there. Does this go away? Do these feelings of resentment and anger towards people who know go away? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe they are just trying to respect our privacy. But come on, be there people!
Right now we are just waiting for our laparoscopy. It is scheduled for January 12th. I have my pre-op appointment this Thursday. I am nervous and excited about this surgery. Nervous because who likes to go through surgery. Excited because this could provide us with some answers.
Last Thursday (the 30th) was my husband and my 4th wedding anniversary. We have been together 8 and half years. Now that is something to celebrate!
I don't like to put unrealistic expectations on the new year. I thought it was funny over the holidays because one of my holidays cards to my hubby and I said "May all of your wishes in the upcoming year come true" and a toast at a dinner was about "dreams and wishes coming true." I don't think magically like this. I don't wish upon stars and dream about fairies and princesses magically making all of my wants come true. I do believe though in love and patience and having realistic goals. So cheers to 2011 and to staying realistic and hopeful.