Monday, April 18, 2011

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

Hi all! Still here! It seems as though I have not posted in forever! I am still checking in on you all....not always commenting but just know that doesn't mean I care any less. I wish this post would find you all reading something that said "surprise" we're pregnant - but we are not. I wish this post had more positivity in it - but it doesn't. I wish I could just take the pain away that my husband and I are experiencing. Where is that damn genie in a bottle when I need him anyway?
I really don't have much to write about today. I have a lot to say but writing just hasn't been doing it for me lately. Bottom line is - still on a break from trying to conceive. Still trying to search my soul for some answers - but most of the time I have to keep reminding myself to just live out the answers.

Still working on getting my groove back. Still working on finding the drive to push forward with infertility treatments. Since February I have lost 16 pounds....I feel healthier than I have in a long time. But I also feel more damaged than I have ever been - I try not to show that to the outside real world though. I am really not sure when I will feel healed and ready to start trying again. Has anyone experienced this? It is like I have completely shut off a switch for pregnancy. I just don't want to have anything to do with it right now. Does it come back? Does the drive to try again ever come back? I feel so unfair to my husband - I am the one putting on the brakes. This is not his choice. I feel selfish but know it is what I need right now. I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow.

So for now I am just trying to focus on finding small things that make me happy. I just signed up to coach a little league softball team. It should be a great time.

This post for some reason reminds me of a song from Annie - I hope she is right.

The sun'll come out
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
The sun'll come out
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
I love ya
You're always
A day
A way!


  1. Congrats on the 16 lbs! That is amazing!

    I agree that you need to do what you need to do. Yes, TTC and infertility are hard on the men too, but I have to believe women carry the brunt of the weight. Take care of yourself and the desire to try again will come back to you.

    Always thinking of and praying for you!

  2. 16lbs...that is GREAT!! What was the secret?

    I think you have to do what you need for yourself and your relationship. Take each day as it comes, and don't put added stress on yourself in any way. Your husband, I am sure, understands completely. I agree with Kelly, the female takes the brunt of the physical burden, and we are always so much harder on ourselves emotionally.
    But you are absolutely correct about one thing....the sun will come out tomorrow!!!

  3. I love this post! The sun will come out! And WOW! 16 pounds! I'm also wondering the secret! I just featured your for blog love Monday!

  4. Take your time and heal. Get yourself back. I can't see you being able to get pregnant in this frame of mind. Of course it could happen, but you need to be ALL IN.

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know how you feel. I go through ups and downs in this process and have taken breaks myself.

    Great job on the weightloss by the way! I can't bust past the 9 pound mark!

  5. Wow, 16 pounds, yes, what is your secret? Congratulations! I think it is good that you have shut off the desire for baby making switch, what is most important is to take care of yourself so when it is turned back on you are in a stronger place. It is good to hear from you, thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts!

  6. You know, getting your body healthy does SOOO much for your mental state. I found when I got the most depressed about IF, I was letting my weight creep up too. 16# is AWESOME, and I truly think that if you keep being active and doing things you ENJOY (like coaching little league!) that your drive to try TTC again will come back. I'm glad you're taking time to be happy yourself first though. Hang in there... i've been thinking of you hon.

  7. I've had to put on the brakes for the last 5 months so I completely understand. My husband wishes we could get started again and meanwhile I'm contemplating living childless. I'm not sure where I'll end up but it's too painful right now to try again. I just can't.

    I have also lost weight during this timeframe, working really hard at it and that feels better - but 16 lbs in 2 months! That's incredible! It took me a year to lose 11 lbs! You deserve a HUGE congrats on that! You must be taking really good care of yourself!

    I finally had to go back to counseling which is actually helping me a lot. I just find that this is something hard for others in the mainstream to understand and I need help with processing my complicated feelings.

    Here's to hoping you feel better! (((hugs)))

  8. I agree with all the above commenters about the weight loss. wow!!
    As far as not being so into TTC right now I totally get it. I want no part of it myself at least for a bit. I think it is actually self protective in a way, we get so tired of the constant disappointment and BFN's and stepping out of the game for a bit makes a BFN impossible (obviously it also makes a BFP impossible too, but still). take the time you need, but perhaps it is not realistic to think you will 100% about things. I think there is always some part of me that is over TTC when we are doing treatments.

  9. HUGE congrats on your pregnancy! I'm commenting over here because I wanted to read some of your prior posts...

    I'm curious if you don't mind me asking if you ended up getting out of your 'funk' for lack of a better word (I'll call mine a funk too because I felt pretty much everything you had in this post). Did you actually try naturally again or did you really get pregnant by surprise? If this is too personal, don't mind me. I'm just curious since I've been processing a lot of this myself. If it's easier to write me directly:

    Again, so thrilled for you on your news!!!