Who is This Person?

Do you ever feel like people are talking to you and you just nod your head and pretend you are listening? I used to consider myself a pretty good listener until my issues with IF. I used to consider myself a person who enjoys empathizing with other people when they are in need. I used to consider myself a person who cares about the small celebrations in other people's lives. I used to consider myself a person who likes to look at moms with their babies...I used to ooh and aah. Now, I find myself turning away from those situations.

Today, I just consider myself as a person who is preoccupied. Every thought and every moment is taken up by infertility. It is always in the front or back of my mind. Commercials, pregnant women, strollers, facebook pregnancy posts, more pregnant women....they are everywhere! I find it hard to not be preoccupied in my thoughts when every time I turn around there is something to remind me that I do not yet have a child. I realize that the time may not be right yet and it is not in my hands but does it have to be thrown in our faces every time we turn around? Can't pregnant women just poke their belly buttons that are poking out back in - I will do it for them if they don't mind. Can't the host at a restaurant ask "Would you like the pregnant section or non-pregnant section?"

Today, I consider myself a person that other people want to avoid. My genuine smile is gone. My natural energy is gone. My motivation to help other people feel happy is gone. Could it be the meds? I will try not to use that as an excuse.

Today, I consider myself a person that puts on a happy face when all I want to do is cry. I put on my big girl panties when all I want to do is not deal with it.

I don't know this person. This is all new to me. I hope I find the old Sara someday. I hope I find the girl that loves to listen, loves to watch kids play, loves to help make others happy, loves to smile, loves to sincerely care about others issues, loves to just enjoy life. I will find her, I know I will. It might just take some time to swim my way through this infertility fog.

Hopefully, I will find myself on the other side.

Friday's ultrasound can't come soon enough...I just hope the follies are behaving this round.

Belly Up to the Bar...

Usually I "Belly up to the bar" on a Friday or Saturday night filled with fun times with friends. I might ask for a beer or a shot of pineapple upside down cake or something fruity. Today, I bellied up to the bar that is loaded with shots of FSH. Today, was my first shot with the Follistim pen. Today, was the first time I had to give myself a shot right in the belly! I had to really suck up my fears today and just do it. We were out of town for a graduation party so I had to pack up the meds in a cooler and sneak off to the bathroom at the right time to give myself the shot. I was extremely nervous because it was my first time with this pen thing. I did all of the alcohol swabbing and then jabbed that sucker right into my stomach near my belly button. I DID IT!!! I think my husband was more proud of me than I was...he has had to give me all of my previous shots in the hip/rear. He might have been a little sad today that he didn't get to poke me with a needle!

I am filled with excitement because today starts the forward progress with this cycle. Now I just have to poke my stomach 4 more times this week and wait for my ovaries to get their acts together. My bloodwork and day 10 ultrasound are this Friday. After those results they will determine the day of IUI #3.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!! :)

Special Delivery

Tomorrow for the first time I will be receiving my fertility meds through the mail (FedEx.) My new RE recommended mail ordering the meds through Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy because they are cheaper that way. From my calculations, we are saving about $100 ordering this way. We are thankful for that since we are paying for everything out of pocket. The magical juice is on it's way across the country right now. Let's hope the magic doesn't decide to make it all the way here.

I had my screening ultrasound yesterday on CD2. This is the first time I had an ultrasound at the new RE office. I was nervous just because out of all of the people I dealt with at the last office the ultrasound tech. was my favorite. I went into the appt. just thinking "I want Connie." I didn't want somebody new. I am so excited though because I am really pleased with the new tech. She made me feel comfortable right from the start, talked to me the entire time, and then sat down with me to talk about the results and the meds. She is a keeper. It is funny how hard it is to have someone else enter the circle of IF trust. She's in.

So today is CD3. This is probably my least favorite time of the cycle. Still on my period, haven't started meds yet...just waiting to begin the process. Thankfully, we have family in town so we have many distractions. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

P.S. Go U.S.A. soccer team tomorrow! :)

Pros at failing

Well, my least favorite monthly gift came today. I am at cycle day 31 today so I was highly questioning if I was pregnant or not. My husband is out of town right now so I was waiting to POAS until he gets home. I guess I will not have to do that now since the good ol' period came tonight.

I am so mad at myself for thinking this could be the time (just like every other time.) We were trying naturally this month due to just needing a month off from meds/procedures. I didn't have much hope at the beginning of this cycle that we would get pregnant because my chances that I even ovulated are slim to none. But then....on Friday I started having dull cramps in my back and I told my husband I was about to start. He left for vacation on Saturday and I still hadn't started. Then Sunday came and went. Then Monday came and went...pregnant???? Most of Tuesday passed by and then WHAM! Hit me like a brick today.

I have to admit I handled it pretty well today. I didn't cry (partly because my sister is in from out of town staying with me while hubby is away.) I think I also didn't cry though because my body knows how to handle this now. We are pros at failing. It knows that it should be glad for a period because it means the next cycle can start. It knows that crying is not going to get me anywhere. It knows that failing a cycle doesn't mean we will fail completely.

I think I just need my husband to get home on Wednesday so I can stop putting on my tough face....maybe I just need to cry and have someone listen to me yell about how pissed off I am.

Another round failed. Another round beginning.

Humble reminder

I just read a post by Kelly from Little Looman Log (http://www.littleloomanlog.blogspot.com/). She reminded me that even though I don't have a child yet, there are many things in my life that are great...

~ I have my faith. Even on the darkest days, I know I can turn to God and vent, cry, beg, plead, and say thanks and He will listen. Sometimes I do thank God for unanswered prayers. When we do have our child someday, I know it will all make sense.
~ I have a wonderful husband...he unconditionally loves me, listens when I need to vent and listens when I am laying on the couch not saying anything at all, and holds back his emotions to protect mine.
~ We both have jobs. I got laid off last August due to budget cuts in the school district I worked in. This past year I have been a long term substitute. Just last Wednesday, I got called back to my original district and know I have a job in the fall. Better yet, it is at the same school I worked at before being laid off so I will be with all of my teacher friends again.
~ We have a wonderful family. Even though we have only shared our IF journey with our parents recently, all the rest of our family members love us and support us without knowing it.
~ We have two beyond awesome dogs. I know they were sent to us to fill the void of not having children yet. They lick my face when tears are falling, they lay in my lap when I need a comforting snuggle, and they don't try to tell me that "It'll happen one day...just stop being stressed." They are just what I need on many days.
~ We have a house. I know many people are struggling to make ends meet to keep their house...we are fortunate to have ours.
~ We have friends that are great distractions from the IF life sometimes.
~ We have laughter, fear, happiness, frustrations, hope, etc. As my wise husband once told me when I was in a hysterical sob....Sara, God wouldn't have given us emotions if He didn't want us to feel anything. I have been "feeling" a lot lately, but am thankful for that.

The list could keep going. Tonight, I am just feeling thankful to Kelly for reminding me that there are a lot of things going right. I have a good life and will be patient while trying to make it better.

The Circle of Trust Just Got Bigger

We have quite a small circle of people surrounding us in this journey. It has been our choice to keep our IF very private from family and friends. We feel it is safer that way. We feel it is easier that way (on some days.) Yesterday we had our first appointment with our new RE. After our appointment we decided he may DEFINITELY join our circle! We feel so confident with him just after an hour of talking to him.

We were so nervous going into this appointment. I didn't know what a new doctor would tell us after reviewing our history. The first thing he did after coming into the room was ask me to sit on the table to check my breathing/heart rate...to make a long history short - my heart skips beats when I am really nervous and I get palpitations - needless to say my heart was not being my friend sitting on that table. As his stethoscope was listening, I could feel my heart skipping about every 4 beats. I didn't know if I should interrupt him to tell him I am very aware that it is going on. I just sat there as still as I could so he could get a good listen. When he removed the stethoscope he said "What the hell was that?" Of course, my husband and I both started laughing and I explained the situation to him. He eased my nerves by saying that and let me know he is just a normal guy who just happens to know a lot about infertility. I was worried I would leave there and not feel satisfied. I was more than satisfied. Our new RE, whom I will call Dr. Jim, gave us a plan of attack. We now have an outline of what comes next if plans A, B, C, and D do not work. It is nice to know that I do not have to play the guessing game anymore. Dr. Jim was very confident in the fact that the problem is with ovulation.

This month we are doing just FSH shots - the purple pen I call it! If my follies look good we will be doing our 3rd IUI this round. Let's hope the #3 is the magic number!

I feel good. I feel satisfied. I feel hopeful. I feel we are stronger because we have a much stronger circle now that Dr. Jim is in it. He didn't give us false hope but did give us confidence in knowing we are in good hands. Some days it feels as though I can't keep going. Today is not one of those days. We can do this. :)

Running out of patience...

After our 2nd failed IUI in May, hubby and I decided to take the month of June off from meds/procedures and try naturally. My doctor is out of the country anyway and we have decided to get a second opinion from another highly recommended RE. Our appointment isn't until next Thursday so once again we are just waiting and waiting and waiting. I am not sure what this RE will tell us. Maybe he will want to put us through more testing. Maybe he will tell us we need to just try naturally again for a length of time. Maybe he will tell us we need to move forward with different treatments. The thoughts are just racing through my mind lately of what this appointment could bring. I am hopeful. I am anxious. I am running out of patience.

The good thing about next Thursday is it is my last day of work for this school year! My husband and I are both teachers so we get to relax this summer. It will be the perfect time to rejuvinate ourselves. I know we can deal with this thing called infertility, I just don't want to. I think we both need this summer to remember all of the things going right in our lives.

Makeover

Sorry, I have not posted in a while. It has just been too difficult to get my thoughts/feelings out there. Update: We had our 2nd IUI in May and it failed. We decided to talk to our parents and let them in on our little IF secret. I will post more about that later. I am a teacher and have just been trying to close out the school year on a positive note. There are 5 and half days left of school and then I can give more time to blogging because I feel it is a healthy thing for me.

I did decide that I had to give my blog a makeover. I needed something new and feel this template is more me. The picture is not my husband and I but represents us and our time well wasted together. Hopefully soon we will be able to add another set of feet to that picture!