Calling all Iffers - I need MAJOR ADVICE!

Anyone and EVERYONE is welcome to comment on this post however you feel fit. I will not be offended by anyone's brutal honesty, I will actually be thankful. This may make more sense if I explain what I need advice on...

As all of you know, hubby and my next step is IVF. Yes, it is hard to believe we are at that point but here we are. I guess I am having two major concerns with IVF.

1. I was raised Catholic and still have Catholic beliefs. I am trying to find out how to balance my religion with IVF. I am trying to figure out how so many Catholics are not fans of the science behind infertility treatments and how I am supposed to work around that. I personally believe that if God does not feel IVF is supposed to be a part of my journey then I will not get pregnant. I feel that God brought us to this point and I want to believe that the reason it hasn't happenend naturally yet is because my hubby and I have learned so many valuable lessons and our baby is just not ready to make it to us yet. I want to believe that God trusts in our decisions and brought us to these fabulous doctors who are able to help us get pregnant. I think Catholics who turn up their noses to treatments have either never been through it themselves or don't know anyone who has ever been through it. So I guess I am just wondering how some of you balance this in your lives.

2. I AM A SCAREDY CAT!!!! Some days I can put on my game face and confront anything that comes my way but IVF just seems so intimidating to me. To anyone who has been through this or who hasn't and would like to share some thoughts: What are the ins and outs of IVF? I feel we have done a lot of research about it but am still worried about all that it requires. I guess I am just wondering if the meds are that different from injectable IUI cycles, what is the embryo retrieval like? What is the embryo transfer like? Do you have to be put under for the retrieval? How many days should I expect to take off of work? Am I going to become a crazy person from all of the meds? (I am sure my students won't appreciate that!) WILL I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY? I am feeling ready to take this on because we are just so incredibly ready to be parents and bring a new baby into this world. I guess I just am a scaredy cat of the unknown. It is hard to go through something this major for the first time and not have too much first hand knowledge from people who have already been through it. Sure, I can talk to all of the doctors and nurses at my clinic but they haven't been through it first hand. We have been trying for over 2 years now but I am still only 27 years old...I am worried about putting this off any longer. It is our time. It is our turn. I just need some help thinking through it.

Any advice is welcome...you can even just tell me to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and tighten my seatbelt for the ride!

Fix You

I don't have much to write about lately regarding our status but I just wanted to share a song today that has lifted me up many times. I know every song may have different meanings to different people. This one just happens to speak to me regarding infertility.

Click on the title if you want to watch the video. :)

Fix You (Coldplay)

Songwriters: Berryman, Guy; Buckland, Jon; Champion, Will; Martin, Chris;

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Naturally Failing

This is a weird cycle. This has been a weird few weeks. I am feeling lost without a cycle of meds and IUI's. I am feeling lost in the fact that we are not dealing with a doctor this round. I am not sure the next time we will interact with a doctor. When will we be ready to move forward?

According to my calculations, I should be ovulating this weekend. "Should be" means that if my body is working properly, which according to doctors is about 3 months out of the year, I should be ovulating. Will we baby dance? Yes. Will I get my hopes up once again even though this cycle seems like we are back where we were two years ago? Yes. Will I misread period symptoms for pregnancy symptoms? Yes.

We are trying "naturally" this cycle. We are trying to get pregnant the good ol' fashioned way again this cycle. We are hoping for a miracle this time. We may be hoping for a miracle for a while. I am not feeling ready yet for IVF. I have to get my body and mind more prepared before we take that huge leap.

Love will get us through, but a miracle would help.

Babies for Everyone & Crazy Dating

My husband and I went to Meijer the other night just to pick up a few things. While we were checking out I happened to check out all of the latest headlines on all of the "grab at the last minute" magazines. The one headline and front cover photo that happened to stick out to me the most was about the Duggar Family. It was a photo of the mom and dad and their new baby. The headline said something along the lines of how they are ready for another baby.

SERIOUSLY????!!!!

Now, I may not be the best person at math but if my calculations are correct they would have 2o children if they decided to have another one. This just blows my mind. I have seen that show and see how the older girls pretty much have to play mom with all of the younger kids. They must have like a baby making factory in their garage or something. Maybe I will write to them and ask for tips!

I personally don't agree with having that many children because they just use their older kids to take care of the little ones. If you can't be parents 24/7 to ALL of your kids then maybe you had too many. I just don't get it. How can someone be blessed with 19 children when all of us infertiles are struggling just to have one?

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On a funnier note...have any of you seen the t.v. show Dating in the Dark? Oh my gosh, hilarious. If you haven't seen it, the title pretty much sums it up....there are 3 girls and 3 guys that literally go into a room that is so dark they can't see their hand in front of them and go on dates. The point of the show is to figure out if love is blind. The thing that is interesting is that they get to choose to see one person for like 5 seconds. They then make their decision on whether or not to ask this person on a real life date and invite them to the porch. Some people get left on the porch alone and no one shows up. Other people have their chosen "mate" that then meets them at the porch. This really is the only part of the show that really bothers me because I guess I would just hate to be left on that porch! Yes, the show is shallow and silly, but it just reminds me of how truly blessed I am to have my husband. I didn't have to pay money or go on a television show to find him. I feel sorry for these people that do have to do it that way.

We may have to pay money to buy the meds and services of docs in order to get help making a baby but at least we have a bond that can't be broken. In my opinion, love conquers all. We at least have that going for us.

At a Stand Still

So I had a minor freak out last night because I started bleeding really heavily again. My period started on Tuesday morning and ended very abruptly on Thursday evening. Friday I had nothing. Saturday I pretty much had nothing except a little spotting in the evening. Then, I went to the bathroom around 7:30 and holy cow I felt like I should have grabbed a bucket! (sorry, TMI) Of course we weren't home but were at my husband's parents' house. I called hubby to the bathroom and explained the situation. I then called my mom. I then talked to his mom. I feel bad I scared both of them with my hysterical behavior because I was worried that maybe I was pregnant and something was wrong with the baby. We all decided it would be best to just call the emergency number of my fertility clinic. The nurse helped me calm down and told me to take a pregnancy test right away and call the doc. on Monday if it is positive. She also said it could just be a weird period thing due to all of the crazy meds that have been in my body. She then said it could be a chemical pregnancy but she didn't think that was the case. I was freaking out. Long story short (well, I guess it is already too long!) the HPT came back negative. Why did I let myself get my hopes up again thinking that it really could have been positive? Silly me.

All is fine today. Just some end of period spotting. I did have cramps in the middle of the night that woke me up a few times. I guess my body is just punishing me for putting so many medicines inside of it.

I don't really like where hubby and I are right now. We have chosen to not go ahead with a 5th IUI. We just don't see the point, plus with paying out of pocket we really just can't manage it right now. IVF is the next step for us. I have been in denial of that for a while now. I can't really even express how I feel about IVF yet. I just know that I am not ready. We are not sure of our timeline for that yet. My body feels beat down. My mental state feels too tender right now to take something that big on. My positive attitude went on vacation. I think I have a lot of work to do to get myself healhty before we really go full force into IVF.

For now, we are just going to try naturally for a while. Possibly a long while. I feel like we have made no progress and now here we are back to where we started two years ago. I am not a fan of not pushing this forward but this just seems like the most practical decision. I am not a fan of the stress this puts on my husband and I. I am not a fan of infertility.

Does anybody have suggestions for what else I should be doing to prep my body for this? Acupuncture? Massages? Lose weight? Counselor? Etc.? What has worked/helped all of you?

A "School Mom" For Now

The beginning of the school year is almost here! As a teacher, I always get excited about this time of year. I must say as a kid, that was not always the case! The new school year brings on new joys, new challenges, and my most favorite thing: A brand new bunch of SMILING KIDS!!! (Well, I hope they will be smiling!)

I am so ready to have more structure in my life. In earlier posts, I have mentioned this summer being harder than most due to the fact that baby making weighs so heavily on my mind. When I am in my classroom and with my students it is like therapy for me. They (the students) are a great distraction. They are great reminders of the simple beauties in the world...I see it in their faces every single day. I can't wait to greet my fresh batch of 2nd graders at the door on the first day of school, which is September 7. I can't wait to have our first classroom meeting and get to know each and every one of my students. I can't wait for one of my students to call me "mom" on accident because it just reminds me of how much they depend on me. It motivates me to put aside my thoughts and worries about infertility while at school because these tender kids need to have my undivided attention.

My husband (who is also a teacher) and I both thought we would be pregnant going into this new school year. Somehow, we will find the balance between trying to get pregnant and work. We did it all of last school year and we will do it again. We are just further into the game now. We can do this. Bring on the kids! :)

You Have Got to be Kidding Me

How in the world am I starting my period tonight? It is only CD 23...way too early for a period (although I had my IUI on CD 10 so they really put my whole cycle in a funk) I couldn't be more pissed right now. I just want to scream or throw something across the room. The remote control looks tempting. How in the world am I not pregnant?

I am just so confused on what to do next. Every time a cycle fails I try to just start planning for the next one but I am feeling so tired and emotionally drained I can't muster up the energy to even think about it (even though I will.) My hubby and I have talked about not doing a 5th IUI and possibly moving onto IVF (that thought just sucks) We don't see the point in yet another IUI - is there something I am missing here? Should we be doing another IUI? There aren't many things in life that I would fail at 4 times and try a 5th....seems like the obvious choice is to try a new direction. I am just absolutely terrified of IVF. Am I really here already? Can we afford this? How many cycles of IVF will we have to do? Is there that much to be terrified of or am I letting my mind get the best of me again? I am just wondering how much time is good enough from right now until a possible IVF cycle. How much time do I need to heal emotionally and physically. Right now, I am so tired, exhausted, drained, and feel I want to sleep but I am wide awake. My body doesn't feel ready to take on any more medicine right now and my mind doesn't feel ready for that big of a failure if IVF didn't work the first time. We thought IUI would work the first time...boy were we wrong.

I have tried so damn hard to stay positive throughout all of this, especially this summer. That positivity just ran right out the door. Tonight, I just need to vent because I am so disappointed...this was supposed to work. This was supposed to be our cycle. You have got to be kidding me.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

Twiddling My Thumbs

A quick update: STILL in the two week wait. It seems like this is taking forever! (I don't know why I ever expect it to go quickly!) The weird part is that my husband and I both have the summer off since we are teachers so it seems as though the time is going even slower. I don't have work/my students to occupy my time and distract me so I am left at home for the most part just wondering if I am pregnant or not! It really isn't as bad as I am making it sound and trust me I do really appreciate my summers off...I am just ready for the end of this week in order to test.

I have had some different things going on with my body (which I will not be sharing because it just makes it too real to put it out there) I have a lot of hope that this is the cycle. It could very well be. It could also very well not be. It seems like forever ago that I had IUI#4 but it hasn't even been two weeks yet. I can do this....patience, Sara, patience.

I had a nice surprise in the mail yesterday. My sister sent me a card just telling me that she is thinking of me. It was such a thoughtful thing of her to do. I finally shared our IF secret with her when we were on our vacation up north Michigan. It just got to hard to carry my medicine around and not drink without feeling like I was continuously making up lies. After a while that starts to feel really crummy. So it felt good to tell her about it. She has been the only person we have told so far to do such a nice gesture of just sending a card. She gets an award in my book! :)

I feel I have been a neglectful blogger lately. I am just trying to keep my head above water right now trying not to overwhelm myself with thinking about all of this. Sometimes that means I have to step away from blogging for few days. That doesn't mean I don't care/think about all of you a lot!

Well, I am off to watch some Sunday Night Football! It is just a preseason game (or whatever you would call it) but I am still excited for some football! Let the season begin!