Testing 1, 2, 3....

Testing time has arrived. Technically, I could have tested this morning but I thought it would be better to save it for the weekend so I don't have to go to work after the results. My husband and I just got back from the store...I have the test in hand...what a dangerous thing! I will wait until tomorrow (Saturday) or Sunday morning. I might decide to wait even longer than that. I just feel I deserve to test after what feels like such a long wait. I may regret this decision but I am thinking I am not the only one that feels this way every month!

Back in September when we first starting seeing our RE, he told us that he would expect us to be pregnant within 3 months (3 rounds of Clomid only.) Here we are in May, our 2nd IUI. I never thought we would get to this point in our trying to conceive journey. Heck, I never though we would have to see a fertility specialist. I give so much credit to those of you who have tried way longer than us, have done countless IUI cycles and are now into IVF...you are my heroes. The fact that you are still standing, still trying, and keeping hope never ceases to amaze me. Thank you for your inspiration.

After our first IUI in February, we had quite the mishap with the pregnancy test. I decided to POAS (pee on a stick) and then I hopped into the shower thinking by the time I was out of the shower the results would be ready. Once I was finished, I wrapped a towel around me, took a deep breath, took another deep breath, gave myself a pep talk, and then looked at the test. There was a line!!!!!! I ran out of the bathroom and said "Husband's name, I think I'm pregnant." He too, saw the line and for two minutes we hugged and cried and were in shock. Then, hubby realized we had purchased the test that you need a + sign instead of just a line for positive results. We were devastated. Deep inside though I knew it was never true. This time, we made sure to buy the test that only requires one line for BFP. I will triple check the box after I take the test to make sure this time!

In the meantime, I am going to watch Sherlock Holmes to keep my mind occupied. The closer it gets to testing time, the more anxious I become.

Lost

So last night I watched the second to last episode of one of my favorite shows, Lost. Whoever came up with the title for that show should win an Oscar or some kind of prize because there has not been a single episode yet that I have not felt lost after watching it. So the season finale is this Sunday....last show....ever. I must say I am kind of sad but ready to let it go. I am ready for all of those poor people on the island to not be lost anymore. All bad things must come to an end, right?

Now, you may be wondering why I am writing about a tv show on an infertility blog. Ironically, I can take a pregnancy test this weekend. I have been lost within my infertility for quite some time now. I feel like I have lost who I am as a person...not sure when but somewhere in the middle of trying to get pregnant month after month and being let down month after month has left me kind of on a deserted island. The only other person on that island is my husband. I was talking to my mom on the phone tonight and had a hard time because I just kept thinking "Oh, mom, if you only knew what I was going through right now." My husband and I have promised that we will talk to our families regardless of the results this cycle. At least if we don't end up pregnant we will have a few others on the deserted island with us. I am really hoping this weekend marks not only the end of one of my favorite shows, but the end of my infertility (realizing that it will always stay with me.) I am ready for it to go away (at least until our second child!) I will always carry my lessons I have learned from infertility with me and will savor every moment (good or bad) of pregnancy and will cherish every moment of motherhood. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the end and the beginning this weekend.

Crazy Muts

I have 2 babies that fill the void of not having my own kids yet, Lucy & Mickey (Well, they fill part of the void.) Lucy is 2 and a half and an 80lb. Australian Shepard and Mickey is just over 2 and a 35lb. Border Collie. I was just outside with them throwing a ball and kicking a soccer ball for them to endlessly bring back and wait for it to be thrown again. Our backyard is up on a hill and I happened to see/hear our neighbors two doors down playing with their kids outside. I have to admit, I think I was having more fun! My husband makes fun of me a lot because of all of the dog stories I tell to family and friends. Trust me, I wouldn't be telling as many dog stories if I had stories about kids to tell. Someday I will hopefully be able to talk/share stories about the goofy things our kids do.
The truth is, I absolutely love my dogs and treat them as if they are my children because they kind of are. It reassures me that I will be a good mother because if I can love dogs this much I can't even begin to imagine the unconditional love for my own children. Lucy has dried so many of my tears over not being able to get pregnant. Any time I even sniffle a little bit, Lucy jumps right on top of me and licks my face. She won't leave my side until I am not upset anymore. I am very thankful that I have these two great pups in my life. I think God knew infertility issues were on their way a few years ago and sent us help in the form of canines. At this point, I'll take all of the help I can get! :)

Grumpy Pants

Today is CD21. I am 10dpIUI #2. I am fed up. I am angry today. I am feeling defeated. I was telling my husband this afternoon that it just gets harder every day that goes by and I don't feel any symptoms. Now, I do realize that some women do not experience symptoms until weeks after they find out they are pregnant, but can't a girl hope that God would give her a little ray of sunshine in order for her to keep hope? I also realize that I have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant so maybe I am experiencing symptoms and don't know it yet. Maybe the sharp pains going through my stomach yesterday were a sign. Maybe I should realize that God has given me signs but I haven't opened my eyes yet to see or feel them. Maybe I should come to terms that it just doesn't work that way...good things come to those who wait, right?????

My struggle right now is figuring out how to stay positive. Maybe the progesterone pills are a large part of me being a grumpy pants lately. Maybe it is because yesterday, while with friends, I had to hear about how another person is pregnant (in a short amount of time) and hear how other pregnant people are doing. I try to be happy for these women but I can't help it lately to just be jealous and sad. Some days I get so mad at myself for being so selfish. What makes me think I should have been one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant right away? I have to remember that I am thankful for all of the knowledge I have gained and how much stronger I am today than I was yesterday. I am pretty sure I am going to be a better mother because of infertility. I am a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason." but I sometimes just wish I got to know that reason.

I saw a few quotes today that put things into perspective for me...
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale

So I guess what I have to say today to my infertility is -
"These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."

I will walk, run, or maybe even sprint to beat infertility. I am not defeated, we just haven't won the fight yet. The battle is still going....we will not raise our white flag and surrender. Instead we will continue to use our weapons of fertility meds, hope, love, and God to help us win this war. It certainly isn't the path we thought we would be walking....but what's life anyway without a little adventure. At least I have a great husband to sprint with me.

So for now, I will still be wearing my grumpy pants for a while but I will also be wearing my boots to kick infertility in the ass! (sorry for the language!) :)

Ovaries, Are You Out There?

Dear Ovaries,
I have a few questions and comments for you.....
1) Are you working?
2) What makes you think you can take breaks every so often?
3) Do you have to have little sharp pains shoot through you once in a while that give me false hope that there is some kind of baby making going on down there?
4) How much medicine does it take for you to produce good follicles/eggs?
5) Left side - Are you alive? Seriously, every ultrasound to check out the good ol' follies proves that you are a slacker. The right side is kicking your butt in the follicle department. Pick up the pace please. Maybe you are the side that will be the winner!
6) Are there any eggs in those follicles of yours?
7) What medicine would you like to try next because obviously Clomid, FSH shots, and HCG triggers just aren't doing it for you.
8) Can you and my fallopian tube friends stop fighting? Just get along already and pass something through there.

Okay, I guess that is it for now. Just because I am done here doesn't mean I am letting you off the hook.

P.S. I love you. :)

Constant Reminders

I just finished watching an episode of Modern Family. It seems as though everywhere I turn lately, there is something that reminds me I do not have a child. Pregnant women seem to be around every corner...kind of like when you get a new car you notice all of the people who have the same car (but that is an easier one to handle!) I guess I am just feeling like I want to avoid the world sometimes. Can't I just avoid family gatherings, seeing friends, and going out in public (okay I am exaggerating!) Can't I just curl up in a comfy blanket on the couch with my two dogs and my husband until I am actually pregnant? I am so sick of having to make up some stupid excuse for when people ask me why I am not drinking...trying to get pregnant here people! Maybe I should just say "I am pregnant with dinosaur triplets so I am trying to cut back on the alcohol" and then maybe they won't ever ask again. Getting together with family even proves to be difficult lately. It is hard to be around anyone who doesn't know the constant struggle I am going through. So I guess that leaves me with the only person it is easy to be around lately is my husband. With him, I can just sit in the living room and say nothing, not smile, not laugh at my favorite shows, and he just understands. He hurts too. I can't hold it against my friends and family who we have not informed because that is a choice that we made. Maybe someday we will let everyone into our very private world, although, some may want to avoid entering it. Maybe I am afraid of how people will react or of how they will not react. Right now I just feel I have all that I can handle....I don't need other people to ask me how I am doing, or if I have gotten my period, or if I am feeling any symptoms, or anything that will be a reminder that I am not a mother yet. That blanket over there on the couch is looking really good right about now!

Rookie....

A few of the infertility blogs I have been following lately have inspired me to start my own blog. The intention of this blog is for me to talk about my issues with infertility. It is meant to be a healthy and safe outlet for my emotions/frustrations/worries/etc. We have not shared our struggles with family yet...we just have felt that we want to deal with this privately for now so it will be nice to be able to talk about here. I am new at this blogging thing so bear with me!
A little introduction...
My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August of 2008. 22 months. 22 long months. We did have to take a few months off here and there within that time frame but overall it just seems to be taking forever! Since this past September, hubby and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. This February we had our first IUI....failed. We had to try naturally (I am sad that I just said we "had to try naturally" - darn the bad luck!) in March and April due to our RE being on vacation in March and then my hysterosalpingogram in April. We are now 5 days past our 2nd IUI. The 2 week wait to test is not so much fun. In the meantime, I am going to try to keep an optimistic outlook. Lately, with all of the meds I am on it feels as though I am just living in a fog. Hopefully, the fog will clear up in 2 weeks!
So far this journey has been time well wasted....I wouldn't want to go back and have things go differently. I have a good life, but am just struggling to share this world with a new baby. My faith and awesome hubby have kept me going through a lot of this....I know He will guide us through this.