What we do have...

Laparascopy here we come! We had our "what is the next step" appointment with our doctor yesterday. He kept trying to explain IVF and laparascopy to us and I finally said to him "We are very well aware of what our options are and know quite a bit about both of those choices." He said "You want me to decide for you don't you?" We both told him that him choosing for us would just make our lives a whole lot easier. He did tell us he thinks the best choice would be to have the surgery. Not my favorite idea but hopefully it will give us some answers and if it doesn't it will at least give us the peace of mind to move forward (with IVF.) Throughout this whole journey my goal is to just be mentally ready for each step. That involves me eliminating all of my options before I pursue new things. Now, I know everyone does it differently but that is just the way it has worked for me. I am very nervous about the procedure but am hopeful with what may come of it. I broke down in the car right after the appointment with my husband and just said "I need this to just be easier." We are going to just continue to live out the answer.

My goal for the upcoming holiday season: focus on what we do have instead of what we don't have.
I must start remembering that we are so blessed in our lives. I must pull myself out of this black hole I have been in. I must pull myself up by my boot straps and just keep on keepin' on. Will surgery probably suck? Yup. Will I have to take off work? Yup. Will we be one step closer to pregnancy? Yup.
We do have good doctors, we do have each other, we do have support, we do have our faith, and we do have a roof over our heads, food to eat, dogs to spoil us, cars to drive, warm clothes to wear, and love to give.
I am going to focus on spreading some more of that love this holiday season.
As Love Actually, one of my favorite movies says "Love is all around." Sometimes we just need to open our eyes to remember where to find it and remember what we do have in our lives.

Martini Mourning

Well, I was able to have a martini tonight with my dinner. That is only because IUI #5 failed. Mission not accomplished.

I am mad. I am disappointed. I am losing hope that this will ever happen. I have tried to be a positive person throughout all of this but now I am just feeling like the statue (not that I want to be the pigeon.) I think it is totally unfair that any couple should have to endure this much. Has it made us stronger because of it? Yes, but enough is enough. We want to be parents so much and it just doesn't make any sense. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but I am running out of patience with the time it is taking for this "everything" to happen.

This IUI was our last one. Our checklist doesn't have very much left on it. We are going to meet with our RE next week to discuss what to do next. We are not sure if he is going to tell us I need to have a laparoscopy or if we just move right into IVF. Honestly, both scare the shit out of me. Ultimately, good things could come out of them but never thought I would be here. I totally understand though why we have had to go through 2 years and 4 months of trying and meds and procedures...it was just preparing us and making us stronger for the more difficult steps we must now take.

I am feeling I have been a horrible blogger lately. I have been feeling quite depressed for some time now. I have been trying to keep up with commenting. It seems as though a ton of my blogger friends are now pregnant. This makes it difficult because I can't relate but gives me hope for the future. I really need support right now.

I just want to scream and break down but I know that won't do me any good. For now I will tell myself what I tell many others with my sarcasm "Suck it up Sally!" As I have said before, I can and will do this. One day at a time.

One Last Time

Here we are...at the beginning stages of our last IUI. IUI #5.

I start my injectables tomorrow (Sunday) I am trying not to be sad. I am trying not to be bitter.

Only positive thoughts right now. We really want and need this to be all that we are hoping for. My husband and I debated for a long time whether or not to skip the 5th IUI and move forward with IVF. After many discussions, I realized it is important to me to try IUI one more time. It is kind of like checking something off of my list of things we need to do before IVF. I just would always wonder if it would have worked. So why not just try it. The good thing is that we switched to my insurance which actually covers a lot of inferility treatments and medicine! Woo hoo! Thank goodness for insurance companies that have their shit together! No more paying everything out of pocket. This is going to be a long month of waiting, waiting, and waiting. I try to keep telling myself that we can do this, we will do this, and it will be worth it. The emotional stress is sometimes just a little too much. I am so excited about the possibilities!

Breathe in, breathe out, it will all work out. (right?)

What I Know for Sure (Maybe Oprah will put this in her next month's column!)

I have not been writing lately mainly because I don't have much to write about and the beginning of this school year has been taking over my life! I love teaching but holy cow this year has been overwhelming so far. I apologize for not being the best blogger friend lately. I hope you know that I am trying to get on here and check up on all of you when I can - just because I don't comment it doesn't mean I don't care - I do care and I am thinking of you all. For some reason, tonight I feel like writing. Warning - nothing exciting here!

My husband and I have kind of been at a stand still for a few months now. We went so hard at baby making this summer with IUI #3 & IUI #4 and now we just are kind of sitting with our thumbs up our asses. We tried the good ol' fashioned way last month and we are again this month. It has been even harder to try naturally than ever before. It seems pointless. We know it doesn't work. We know my eggs are really stubborn and for some reason are afraid to show their faces. We know that without fertility meds or treatments our chances of success are slim to none. We know that it is not sexy or fun or romantic to have sex for that purpose anymore. I am just so done with all of this. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and forget that any of this has ever happened. How in the world did we get past two years of trying? Right around the corner will be two and a half years of trying. Right after that will be three years. For the time being, I just want to be able to take a deep breath. I am thinking I won't be able to do that until we are pregnant.

So where do we go from here? Well, after this cycle we are going to do IUI #5. What???!!! (this may be your reaction since I posted a while back that I thought this was silly and we might be moving on to IVF.) I think for myself, I need to exhaust all of our options before we leap into IVF. All along with our new doctor we had in our "plan" to do a fifth IUI. I am not sure how hopeful I am that it will work, but I do know that if it doesn't work I will be more mentally ready for IVF. It's kind of like checking this off a list. I don't want to have unchecked boxes before moving on to bigger treatements. Right now we are kind of just waiting for this cycle to be over so we can start the process for our final IUI.

We may know that trying naturally doesn't work for us, but miracles happen. We may know that my eggs are really stubborn, but we know the egg that is meant to release will do so when it is time. We are really banking on this 5th IUI because we really don't want to get to the point of IVF, but we know God has a plan. I know that it is completely unfair that women have to struggle so much to have children but we are better women because of it. I know that some days I feel infertility is winning but I will not throw in the towel. We know that we are meant to be parents. We know that we will be damn good parents. We know that we are loved, supported, and have cheerleaders on our sideline. We know that love bears all things. We know our turn will be soon.

I know for sure that I am strong enough.

Happiness Today, Hope for Tomorrow

Thank you to Kelly at Little Looman Log for nominating me for the Happiness Today, Hope For Tomorrow award this week. I feel so blessed to have been thought of! I think the title is pretty self explanatory, so here it goes....

HAPPINESS TODAY~
This list could get long but I will limit it to a few things...
I am happy that my husband and I are still madly in love. I think a lot of times infertility can really be a barrier in a marriage, but we have kept the lines of communication wide open and will not let this beat us. I am happy that I can still just sit in the room and know that my life with my husband is good enough....we are just ready to start a family and a new part of our journey together. My happiness comes from a deep place of trust with my hubby. I know that we will not fall through the cracks. I know that he will be with me no matter what infertility brings us or even if in one of my "moments" I throw a plastic bowl across the room and it breaks our tv. (oops!) I know that however we make a baby it will be out of the deepest LOVE for each other. It may take meds and procedures to get us there, but the MAIN ingredient is love. I am happy that I believe in our love.

I am also happy that I have a job again. This past year I was laid off from my teaching job due to budget cuts in the district I work in. I was called back this year and feel so thankful to have a new batch of kids. My heart is happy when I know I make a difference in the life of a child.

HOPE FOR TOMORROW~
My hope for tomorrow and beyond is that I can be a mother. I am hopeful that i can accept any way that may come. I am hopeful that soon I will be pregnant and my husband and I can begin to dream about the future in more realistic terms. Right now, our dreams seem to be more of a fantasy...reality needs to set in sometime soon. I am hopeful that I can inspire people to just keep going. To dig deep in the mud and keep trucking along. My husband and I could have thrown in the towel a long time ago because infertility is really stinking hard...but as my wise husband once told me, God wouldn't have given us emotions if He didn't want us to feel things. My hope is that i can take those emotions and do something good with them. Some days I might be so angry and upset that I might just throw a bowl across the room, but other days I hope that I can inspire and encourage other women to believe in themselves and in the strength that they never knew they had.

Calling all Iffers - I need MAJOR ADVICE!

Anyone and EVERYONE is welcome to comment on this post however you feel fit. I will not be offended by anyone's brutal honesty, I will actually be thankful. This may make more sense if I explain what I need advice on...

As all of you know, hubby and my next step is IVF. Yes, it is hard to believe we are at that point but here we are. I guess I am having two major concerns with IVF.

1. I was raised Catholic and still have Catholic beliefs. I am trying to find out how to balance my religion with IVF. I am trying to figure out how so many Catholics are not fans of the science behind infertility treatments and how I am supposed to work around that. I personally believe that if God does not feel IVF is supposed to be a part of my journey then I will not get pregnant. I feel that God brought us to this point and I want to believe that the reason it hasn't happenend naturally yet is because my hubby and I have learned so many valuable lessons and our baby is just not ready to make it to us yet. I want to believe that God trusts in our decisions and brought us to these fabulous doctors who are able to help us get pregnant. I think Catholics who turn up their noses to treatments have either never been through it themselves or don't know anyone who has ever been through it. So I guess I am just wondering how some of you balance this in your lives.

2. I AM A SCAREDY CAT!!!! Some days I can put on my game face and confront anything that comes my way but IVF just seems so intimidating to me. To anyone who has been through this or who hasn't and would like to share some thoughts: What are the ins and outs of IVF? I feel we have done a lot of research about it but am still worried about all that it requires. I guess I am just wondering if the meds are that different from injectable IUI cycles, what is the embryo retrieval like? What is the embryo transfer like? Do you have to be put under for the retrieval? How many days should I expect to take off of work? Am I going to become a crazy person from all of the meds? (I am sure my students won't appreciate that!) WILL I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY? I am feeling ready to take this on because we are just so incredibly ready to be parents and bring a new baby into this world. I guess I just am a scaredy cat of the unknown. It is hard to go through something this major for the first time and not have too much first hand knowledge from people who have already been through it. Sure, I can talk to all of the doctors and nurses at my clinic but they haven't been through it first hand. We have been trying for over 2 years now but I am still only 27 years old...I am worried about putting this off any longer. It is our time. It is our turn. I just need some help thinking through it.

Any advice is welcome...you can even just tell me to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and tighten my seatbelt for the ride!

Fix You

I don't have much to write about lately regarding our status but I just wanted to share a song today that has lifted me up many times. I know every song may have different meanings to different people. This one just happens to speak to me regarding infertility.

Click on the title if you want to watch the video. :)

Fix You (Coldplay)

Songwriters: Berryman, Guy; Buckland, Jon; Champion, Will; Martin, Chris;

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you